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09 Mar 2004

How do I tell him?
Since I separated from my hubby a few weeks ago, (with my intension to divorce), he calls every day (about a zillion times ), which he never used to do when we were still together. Sometimes we have small talk – other times all he can talk about is sex, and what and how we should do it etc. I took the advice to let him “court me” again, and to tell the truth, it makes me feel good the way he now treats me opposed to when we were married. We meet and cuddle and pet, and on one occasion we even made passionate love in the car like 18 yr olds! Yes, it felt so good – like the good old days, before marriage and children - so no complaints there!!
My problem is that I left him because he used to verbally abuse me, and even threaten me with his gun; so I know he will not change his ways, no matter what anybody says – been there already!.
Even if this courting thing goes on for a while, I’m scared the topic of me moving back will arise, and I know I do not want to go back to the life I had for more than a decade. I’m fine the way I am, I come and go as I please, talk to whom I want, etc. I’ve even met someone who wants to date me, but I don’t want to go that far yet.
How do I make it clear to him, that all this courting stuff is good, but I do not want to get back together? I do not want him to think that all is fine, because we are “dating” again; I want him to move on, and not blame me in the end for giving him false hopes How do I break this news to him, without getting him angry?
Answer 332 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Jade,
I think you're being really realistic. This new courting, re-courting phase may indeed be enjoyable. But you also need to talk with him seriously, in a safe place ( like a restaurant or coffee--shop, about the realities. That it is his verbal abuse, and the threatening with a gun, that you very rightly fear and cannot subjct yourself to, again.
whether or not he can hear what he needs to hear, without anger, who knows ? That's why it's usually wisest to choose a setting in which he won't want to cause a scene. But he needs to know what has caused the separation, and that your fears are realistic and sensible, and that no amount of wooing will remove them. And unless he can come up with something unusually convincing about how he will prevent those threats from ever arising again, perhaps entering serious therapy to deal with it, he needs to know that you can't put yourself at risk again.
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