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13 Aug 2010

Hurt in relationship
My fiancé e &  I broke up over a year ago. After I''d waited for him for six years to return to South Africa permanently, he promptly started treating me badly on his return by humiliating me infront of his friend, disappearing at weekends, avoiding me, getting his friend to lie to me &  deliberately making plans to socialise with his friend in front of me, whilst leaving me out. It was like his personality had suddenly changed. At times I was terrified of him because he was irritable &  mostly just in a bad mood. I couldn''t take being hurt anymore &  took the painful decision to leave him. For weeks he played with my emotions by promising to meet with me so that we could at least talk, then making a lame excuse at the last minute. He could never explain why he could so suddenly crumple me up &  throw me away, but he did promise to write me a letter explaining everything. The letter never came. On occassion, we still have to work together &  he chooses to simply ignore me flat. At a recent event, he hogged a shady spot &  happily left me to sit in the sun on my own. It kills me to have him treat me this way &  I inevitably end up in a state. I know I''ll never trust again &  have simply buried myself in work in an attempt to escape the hurt. Counselling made me feel worse. How do I move past the hurt?
Answer 412 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

OK, he behaved like a heel. But if he was overseas for so long, presumably you didn't see much of him during that time - how do you know when he changed ? And why, now, do you care so gratly about a guy who fairly obviously does not care for you and treats you badly ? I'm sorry to hear that counselling made you feel worse - unfortunately it sounds as though the counselor wasn't skilled enouh to deal with this relatively frequent type of problem. He can only hurtm you if you choose to care about him and what he does. You don't HAVe to choose to care about him. Clearly you expected much during the time you waited for his return, and he cared much less than you assumed.
Kelly's comments make a lot of sense. His cold and heartless approach may be mainly due to HIM and whatever is going on within him, and is probably much less about you than it feels as though it is.
And as you yourself wisely say, it may be sad that he is behaving like this, but far better he showed his true self now than after you had married him.
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