Ask an expert
Question

31 Jan 2004

Husband cheated - I want to tell her husband!
I've written to this column before about my husband of 7 years who had an affair for 4 months. He confessed, ended the affair and wants to continue with our marriage. It's been 3 and a half months now and things are still very much up and down. We are seeing a marriage counsellor and I think will continue this until I am sure if I should continue or end my marriage. When he told me, I felt so desperate that I would have stayed in this marriage no matter what. Now I feel different. I've been thinking a lot about my marriage and what kind of person I am married to. We've been VERY happily married for 6 years and he had so many qualities which I admired. One problem we always had, was the fact that he finds it hard to show his emotions and that he is not very affectionate. I've learnt to live with this over the years, because I though that he was honest, trustworthy, hardworking, ambitious, fun to be with, helpfull around the house, we share the same interest etc. Now that he had the affair, things have changed. I don't think he is honest & trustworthy any longer, he still battles to show his emotions and be affectionate (he claims it is because he feels guilty about the affair) and I now know that we don't have the same values (which is VERY important to me). We don't have kids yet and I am not sure that we ever will. We could hardly make it work without kids, how will it be possible to make this marriage work with kids? I love my husband very much, even after what happened. At least he was man enough to confess and tell me everything. For that I will always respect him. He keeps on telling me that if we get a divorce, it would be the biggest mistake of our lives.

My biggest problem is my feelings towards the other woman, who is also married with 2 kids. No-one knows that she had an affair. I've been battling with this since the day I found out. I've been through hell (lost weight, can't sleep, battle to concentrate, cry every day, lost interest in many of my previous hobbies etc) and she is going on with her life as if nothing happened.
I really believe that her husband has the right to know and that he should then decide if he wants to continue with his marriage. I also believe that if she doesn't face the consequences of what she had done, she will not learn anything from this and possibly do it again.
MY PROBLEM: I don't know her husband at all and am so scared of what he might do to my husband.
I want to phone him and tell him about his wife, but I don't want to tell him who she had an affair with. What if he questions her and she tells him?
Should I take this chance or should I just go on and always regret that I didn't do it, because believe me I will regret it!
Answer 526 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Sad,
Volcano emphasizes a crucial point --- telling the Other Woman's husband guarantees that that poor man is as hurt and haunted as you are now, punishing him, and doesn't mean that she will necessarily be greatly bothered or learn from the experience. You do need to continue with what you are doing, working towards being able to make a wise decision for your own benefit, about your own life --- and your happiness must not be made dependent on her becoming unhappy. Yes, you will need, in the course of counselling, to decide about whether to continue within your marriage --- but telling the other wronged spouse will never be a cause of increased happiness for you, for him, for their children, or for anyone who deserves it.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
Results
Yes
32% - 9426 votes
No
68% - 19886 votes
Vote