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28 Mar 2007

husband died 5yrs ago, struggling
Hi doc,

My husband died in a car wreck 5 yrs ago, at age 27. i was 24 and we had been married 2 weeks shy of a year.

i am currently seeing a wonderful man, but he doesn't want me to talk about it. he feels that it's in the past and i must move on. i totally agree, i must put it behind me...one porblem is that the person who went into his lane and hit my husband, won't say what happened.

Things have been getting easier each year, but this year i am having a really bad time and re living that terrible day when i got a knock on my door. I am crying myself to sleep as i did all those years back.

We had been planning on having kids and buyng a home and deciding where to live and raise our family and all that got taken away from me.

I will be 30 in a few months time and feel as if I have wasted away. all my friends have gotten married and have kids...they have life i was suposed to have.

my boyfriend is a few years younger and he feels that he's too young to start a family.

I so badly want to have a life with him, but am afraid and have had a feeling for a long time that i can't have kids. He is very supportive and understanding about everything except my loss.

I feel so alone and have nobody to talk to. I know I should have gone for help then, but am a strong person and had great family and friends around me. Have thought about anit depressants but really don't like the idea of taking pills. I have however taken st johns wort that has helped calm me.

No matter what i do, the pain is still there and my heart has been ripped out.

what would you suggest i do?

i live in a small town, so i don't think there are suport groups.

Thanks for your time
Answer 428 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Sorry to hear of your continuing grief --- and its sad that you seem to have been trying to cope with all this without the help of a proper expert counsellor, preferably one of the CBT school. There seem to be aspects of the grief which you have not been coping with yet. I understand how you would want certainty about what exactly happened in the accident, but as you have discovered the driver responsible for the accident is unlikely to want to tall you the details you seek --- and indeed may not himself understand or remember so as to even be able to do so.
It sounds, too, as though, in your grief, you too readily resigned yourself to giving up on marriage and kids, and you need to work through these issues in proper counselling. Antidepressants don't generally help grief as such, but counselling very definitely does.
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