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03 Apr 2006

husband is still their son
Hallo Doc
I cannot take this anymore and deperately need your help. I got married 3 years ago and really love my husband, but his family is just toooo much! We works with his father in a family business for the past 10 years and has controle over the finances as he says that his father (who has been inbusiness for over 30 years) cannot do it. They constantly phone for food money, dog food money etc and then he has to go and give it to them on saturdays. It is soo bad that we leave the receiver off the hook for the whole weekend! I grew up in a home where money was never mentioned and my parents never asked us for it. I cannot understand that he must still look after them?? I cannot understand why they let him do this and think that it is normal for parents to act like this. His mother doesn't work and if I was in her situation I would take up a receptionist job somewhere, but she is always ill in a way and his father only sleeps even at work! He says he cannot leave the business as his father will end up on the streets if he does. He has this idea that he is responsible for them and their finances. We live about 5 km away from them and they still think of him as their son and not a husband to someone else! I started studying for my degree to move up in the world and to try to make a better life for him and me together, and my mother in law cried because I will not be able to look after her son with regards to meals etc. I am starting to hate them, and I want my huband to start a life with ME! not carry on with them. I cannot even think about having children one day! I even through about giving him an ultimatum either them or me, but I know that is not right. I always have to play second best to them. I am a strong woman and will be able to make it if we split up, but I do love him! I want him to re-adjust to being a husband and not just cary on like this. He is miserable so am I, I cannot take this enymore!!
How do I let him see that what they are doing is not right and that he will need to change?? We only live close to them because he does not want to move out of his comfort zone, I had to give up my whole like in the city for him. Please help! Sometimes I think that being devorced at 30 does not sound so bad!
Answer 491 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

It sounds as though these parents are a major burden he fels he has to carry and deal with --- which is commendable in terms of loyalty and good faith, even if inconvenient to you. Have you discussed this issue calmly with him, to explore the extent of his committment and their hopelessness ( maybe they could handle more for themselves if he pressed them to do so ) and whether it would be possible to modify the way he manages things, so as to meet more of your needs ?
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