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09 Aug 2007

Husbands porn out for 10 y.o. to find.
I don't know what to do. My husband has always had porn around. I do NOT like it, but have tried to be rather tolerant of it. I have even watched some on the internet out of curiosity and with him over the years. All very occasional.

Once we started having kids, all his "collection" was banished from the house. He has it in the garage, which is actually like a workshop, and in a desk and an office type box. The kids must get a key from me to get in. There is so much junk in there they couldn't get to the porn unless they really worked at cleaning up the shop. Heck, they won't even clean their own rooms! I am with them and they are never anywhere near it.

Even so......I still have been telling my husband that he has to get rid of or truly LOCK up his stuff or *I* will "deal" with it myself. He always says he will. He never does.

Now that my children are getting older and get into the workshop to get a bike or basketball, I am ready to deal w/it sooner than later.

HOWEVER........things changed drastically yesterday.
Here is the problem.
My DD came to me yesterday w/three DVDs in her hand. All VERYgraphic on the covers. All things I have never seen before.
She was crying and I felt like I had been hit by a car. I asked where they came from and she told me they fell out of her dad's "work bag" when it fell over and the top zipper was open. She was scared she would be in trouble so she hid them under her bed.
She was cleaning her room and found them again. I told her I was so sorry she found this and tried to be calm.

I am DEVISTATED.
First of all for my ten year old child. She is NOT supposed to be exposed to this stuff. All this time I'm worried about the internet, monitoring her every move online. I worry about movies she might see at a friend's house, and have tons of rules. However, all this was not what I really needed to be worried about! I should have been worried about my husband and his total lack of respect for our family.

I have told my husband for years that this is NOT allowed in the house. Period. WE HAVE KIDS!!!! And here he is bringing it into the house, not telling me, not locking it up, and now my child has found it. I HATE him for this and his lack of respect and abuse of our child. I don't know what to do to make things better for my daughter. (Our marriage surviving is a whole other issue. I have asked him to find another place to stay for now. I do not want him here at all.)

This is obviously the "short" version to fit here, oh yes, there is more, such as his lying about it, etc., but I need some guidance as to what to do about my daughter. She is the most important thing right now. I am very concerned and do not know what to do. I'm so sad and cannot take back what this idiot of a man did to her.

Please help!
Thanks.

Anon-distraught-mom
Answer 657 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Obviously maiage counselling could be useful, though you sound as though you feel at the end of your tether and not much interested in further investment in trying to solve these problems. However liberal might be one's views on pon, there is no excuse whatever for keeping it around the house and accessable to children --- does he really need such instant access to it ? But, as hope says, this was surely not intentional on his part, rather than careless. Maybe he needs to be tasked with working out with you how best to explain this to his daughter, and him being the one to apologise and explain to her.
Hope also raises other interesting and relevant points. Why was she moving dad's bag, and i something fell out of it, why did she hide them in her room, rather than just putting them back in the bag or bringing them to you as she eventually did ? She was exposed, apparently, to the covers --- could she have actually had access to a player and have watched the DVD's themselves ? I wouldn't expect her to be "devastated" by merely seeing the covers. If so, then the encounter was more than accidental, and she was indulging in understandable curiosity. Is her story of how she found them accurate, or did she indeed find them during some more deep and devious snopping ?
Hope's suggestions for how to commnent on this to your child are sensible, too. If you allow yourself to get too visibly and obviously disturbed by this, you are sending a message to the child that all of this sex stuff, and whatever she did, and whatever her father did, is terribly damaging and wicked, and that could very easily become far more damaging to her than actual exposure to porn. I remember research which found during World War 2 that kids in cities that were horribly bombed, coped remarkably well with those horrors, so long as their parents coped well, and that they were disturbed by more minor exposures to nasty events, if their parents panicked and responded as though these were disasters.
And aNNa is right, too --- this is a critically important time to insist that he join you in couples counselling to deal with this and the other issues that appear to be simmering here.
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