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20 Feb 2004

i don't understand myself
hi guys and girls

pls give some advice here ....

my ex returned after close to a year abroad and my head and heart are in disagreement at the moment

i'm a level headed and practical person
last night he told me he is getting engage on saterday night - now he has not been in the country for 10 months - how did he get involved with someone to the point where he can get married?
i would never ever take him back again -
yet my heart skipped a beat when he told me the news

why?
am i jealous? thats selfish he is all alone and i have the kids keeping me busy
do i love him still? maybe but there is no respect and trust so it can't be love
am i lonely ? sure i miss someone but i'm not prepared to take the risk at the moment

why did the news upset me ?
i want him to be happy ! but i know he can't be happy because he doesn't care and love himself !
maybe admitting defeat and failure? sure i failed at being a wife but that doesn't make me a failure !
why does he have the power to rock my emotional boat?
how do i take that power back?

i'm a little confused at the moment and want to hear from you why ?

thx

nina
Answer 349 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Lady Nina,
( I feel you deserve Caps, at least now and then ).
One can feel pangs of jealousy even when there's no love left. Emotions are never the result of a mathematical calculation. Of course you were not and are not, a failure, but that needn't stop you from feeing like one ! Responsible people ( a minority group not receiving Affirmative Action !) tend to blame themselves when things go wrong, even when it was not their fault. Maybe in part because they feel that someone ought to take responsibility in situations, especially if the other person involved does not accept responsibility for their actions.
Though apart now, you still share a history, and children, and he will retain the ability to move you emotionally, wich is separate from love itself. Depending on the age of the kids, you may not have to act totally "normal" in front of them --- there's no harm in telling them that mom's feeling a bit down, and that although it was not possible for you and him to be happy together, it's still upsetting to know that he's getting married again ; though you will get over it. They may be able to understand enough, and may want to help to comfort you, just as you comfort them. All our regulars, especially, perhaps, Soul and Juzlisen, have said the rest of what needs to be said, so well.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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