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23 Jul 2008

I don&amp #39 t know what to do
Hello!< br> I sent you a message the other day (No 1781). Thank you, you are right. But now I& #39 m in this situation and don& #39 t know what to do. I wrote him two e-mails, one on Sunday and one yesterday:< br> < br> 1st e-mail: " C, do you have a daughter? Sorry, I never cared what things you buy on Ebay but the other day I happened to open a link and the first thing I saw was that you bought a bikini. I know I am too curious, but this time I& #39 m happy I saw that. Please, be honest about it. I am going to ... and it& #39 s not like I am going on vacation and will be back a few weeks later. I wanted to take this step because I thought marrying you or not marrying you depends on how our relationship develops when we have the chance to be together and get to know each other better. But if you have a family and therefore marrying you would never be an option, then I am no longer sure if I am strong enough to spend 2 years in ... . Well, I can& #39 t change that now, but I need to know what things will be like. Sorry if I am being paranoid, but it& #39 s not common for a man who has no kids to buy a little bikini.< br> Please, write me back when you can. Don& #39 t be upset if I& #39 m wrong. I& #39 m sure you& #39 d be suspicious too if you were in my shoes. I just need to know." < br> < br> 2nd e-mail: " I really hate to ask you the same question over and over again. (This time it& #39 s about a child, but obviously the problem is not children, but their mother.) It makes me feel guilty because I should trust you. But every now and then there& #39 s something strange that seems to make no sense in the context of our relationship, and thinking about all those things, they seem to make such a perfect puzzle. But then I ask myself what if it& #39 s only in my head? If I am being unfair to you. Why don& #39 t you do something to make me believe you? I know it sounds stupid, but if it was you, I would have done everything I could to make you trust me and remove this contant problem from our relationship once and for all. Or, in case there& #39 s really something I should know, why don& #39 t you tell me the truth? I& #39 m sure you don& #39 t want to see me hurt. My worry is that someone loves you, that someone thinks you are theirs (or dreams that you might come back to them), and that I am the cause of this person& #39 s pain. I think of who you are, what you do and say and I tell myself you wouldn& #39 t do that. But sometimes people do, even for almost innocent reasons. So I feel guilty and insecure. I keep thinking I trusted you when we met in person and it felt so right to be with you, and now these doubts come to haunt me when we did it all already. I& #39 m so afraid to hurt your feeling when I say this, but it& #39 s true.< br> I guess this will never end unless you say something, something that makes a change. I know I can& #39 t take this much longer. Every minute I feel like doing something myself. But I want to talk to you and solve this with you. I was never like this before (I mean suspicious) and there is nothing I have ever worried about except this question. It& #39 s a simple thing that is causing so much trouble. Sometimes I even get angry at you, other times I blame myself for not trusting you enough. For that I am sorry. But we need to solve this. So please write me today, if you can, or sign in to Skype." < br> < br> I tried to be understanding and make him feel comfortable to tell me what& #39 s going on, but he just didn& #39 t answer. So if he doesn& #39 t answer until the end of the day, I think I will find out myself. He always talked about his parents and his brother, so I know how to contact them plus a few other people. I also just found out there& #39 s also someone that has the same last name as my " boyfriend"  and lives in the city I think he lives (I& #39 m almost sure he changed his address in 2005 or 2006 but didn& #39 t tell me) and has a phone number that is almost like his (for example his number is 428 5534 and the number of the other person is 418 5588), so I think this person might be his wife. < br> So I was thinking of calling someone, the problem is I don& #39 t know what to say and how to say it, so that I get the information I want in the most neutral way possible. I mean, I don& #39 t want them to even dream what is going on because I don& #39 t want to cause them pain. I thought I could call his mother and say I was a friend of her son in high school and ask how he& #39 s doing, if he has a family etc. Being a former friend it would be natural to have his parents phone number and ask them for his current number and even ask how he is etc, right? My fear is that I am shy and she understands more than I want her to. I really like her (she is known in her region, so people talk and write a lot about her and I admire her work). < br> Another option would be to call that person who has a similar number as my boyfriend and pretend I found something my boyfriend lost (let& #39 s say a document where there& #39 s information about his name and address), so I say I tried to find his phone number in the phone book and found the number of this person, who has the same last name, so I thought it& #39 s from his family. Only I don& #39 t know if this would work for me to find out if it& #39 s his wife or just a cousin or something. < br> < br> How do I find out the truth? I need to know it. Some people can leave their boyfriends without being sure, but I always want to know the truth. Sometimes I feel like I just don& #39 t understand him and he has all of the reasons to be disappointed and not answer my e-mails. I need to know if leaving him is fair or unfair for him. The thing he decided to have a sentence written on his car that makes me wonder. It is " Yours to discover" . Would any wife ever allow her husband to have that on his car? Besides, I know he is online whenever he is not at work. It seems he is struggling to find a partner for life. He is as shy as a person could be and has extremely low self-esteem, so I figure it& #39 s not easy for him in real life to find someone. Even to kiss me he was so nervous and insecure. Or maybe he is gay. < br> < br> Well, in any case, I need to find out what is going on. How do I do this?
Answer 613 views

01 Jan 0001

Sorry, but this is a novel, or serial --- it's really difficult for any expert to handle such VERY very long messages and read them carefully and respond to them. I don't know how, within my expertise as a shrink, I can answer your question which seems to be about how you can discover what this guy is up to. Maybe a private detective could advise, but it's well beyond me
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