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25 Feb 2009

I hate myself for being sick

I' m absolutely desperate at this point in time. I have a great job &  a loving boyfriend but my illness is starting to take over my life. I started out with an eating disorder &  now I' ve been diagnosed with bipolar &  have been on meds for a couple of weeks (Cipralex, Lamictin &  now Seroquel). I' m seeing a psychologist (and a psychiatrist). I' m so frustrated &  just want to function normally again.

I' ve allowed my " addiction"  to take control of my life. My number one priority is to " control"  things around me &  it' s destroying my relationship &  I don' t know what to do. My need to control what I eat &  my environment has left my boyfriend feeling inaqdequate because he can' t live up to my " high expectations" . This makes me feel worse about myself! It' s a vicious cycle!

My psychologist is trying to do CBT work with me but I' m not sure how successful it is. She said I need to give the meds a chance to work and if I' m still in this " state"  I should look at in-patient treatment (which to me is an absolute last resort). I' m trying so hard to get well but I feel I' m fighting a losing battle.

I am self-destructive. I manipulate my meal plan to restrict my diet. I am constantly " on the go"  and cannot slow down. I' m up at 4am because I don' t feel there are enough hours in a day. I drink caffeine in the day to " lift me up"  &  alcohol at night to " bring me back down" . I also smoke. My psychaitrist describes it as self-medicating but I want to trust the meds she' s put me on but I don' t know how!

It' s like these behaviours are what I live for &  I don' t want anyone to stand in my way (including my boyfriend) and then I feel extremely guilty about how I am. I then get anxious &  start these behaviours over again but it' s these behaviours that make me feel anxious in the first place.

At work I feel fine because I' m an over-achiever &  I go the extra mile but when I come home, I bring that with me &  my boyfriend cannot understand it. I don' t know how to explain this to him. I' m not the same person he fell in love with! I' m very confused &  desperate &  don' t know what else to do. I cannot keep living like this - I' ve spent SO much money on therapy etc. and don' t feel I' m getting anywhere!

I don' t want to go to in-patient treatment. I' ve just started my dream job &  cannot afford to lose everything &  put my life on hold. I' m determined to get better but I' m not sure if I' ll ever be able to come right. Please help me. I' m desperate.

Answer 1,455 views

01 Jan 0001

I nderstand your frustration. But in fact if you can switch your impulse to control things, from things which are not useful to control, to things that can control your illness, you can become stronger and more content. Take the meds as prescribed and recommended, and work with your expert assistants, and give everything it's best chance to work --- this is where you can gain most useful control of things that mater.
In-patient treatment, if it comes to that, is erely a tool to use, if needed, as part of the broad process of gaining control of what actually matters, and giving up the pointless pursuiot of control of things that are not controllable.
For clarity -- there aren't enough hours in the day --- to do WHAT ? Spending more time achieving less, is hardly a great idea. Turn your manipulative skills towards wholesome aims ( and the CBT could help here, rather well ).
Have you notived that you don't trust the meds recommended for you, though they have been carefully developed and researched to prove them useful in situations like this, yet you choose to trust the self-meds like alcohol and caffeine, though no research shows them as useful in your situation, and much research shows them as unhelpful. And research findings ought to appeal to your urge to control situations.
You're caught in the old dilemma of someone who rigidly sticks to a "solution" they have fixed on, and the more it doesn't work, the harder they do it. Sometimes with such things, less is more.
Work closely wih your psychologist and psychitrist to achieve what you need to ahieve, and you can regain the person you used to be at your best, and maybe a bit better, achieving well but not at a cost that undermines other important aspect sof life
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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