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01 Nov 2006

I still miss her after a year
I don't know if this is normal or whether I am creating this problem for myself.
I was married for many years. During this time I forgave my wife her infidelity twice but could not find forgiveness a 3rd time. We never did resolve the matter and for about 7 years this problem festered like a boil and eventually caused her to leave me. I loved her dearly and many nights I walked the floor. I knew my marraige was doomed and I watched it fade away without me being able to do anything about it. She was not willing. I prefered a disfunctual marraige to being without her because I loved her. We never argued or communicated much for that matter. When she informed me she was leaving I accepted the inevitable. My marraige was not a happy one for a long time. I accept that she married me for the wrong reasons (financial security for her and her children)
It is a year later and I still cry for her.
I've adapted my life to being single and after therapy and hobbies and numerous affairs and good friends and a solid support system I still cannot get over her. This thing called love should surely have died by now. Am I my own problem or is this normal?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, to a large extent it's normal, But it Is a problem you are creating for yourself. It is normal and understandable after forgiving someone twice for repeated hurtful acts, to find it impossible to forgive a third time. It would have been wise at the time for you both to get into marriage counselling --- both to see if the marriage could indeed be healed, but also so that if you parted, you could both be in a better state to get over it and to learn from it, to avoid such problems in future.
But having essential;ly given up, to be still weeping a year later is unwise, and indicates that you really need some personal counselling to get over this and move on. If "therapy" hasn't helped you to achieve that, then it was ineffective therapy, and CBT would be adviseable. Its not an issue of getting over love, but getting over an obsession with it
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