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08 Jul 2010

I take things personally
Being a psychology major I feel silly asking this question but I can''t seem to change my way of thinking.

I take everything personally  not so much in respect of people criticising my appearance, home or work - that I am fine wth. I have trouble particularly with my husband. If he says he will or won''t do domething and then does the opposite, I feel personally betrayed.

The two most recent episodes are him saying he has quit smoking and then smoking every ''now and then'' (within a month of quitting) - basically he has cut down but not quit. It was his desire to stop, not mine. I met him as a smoker and accepted that. But if he says he is going to quit, I expect him to do just that.

The second incident was with him starting to play sport again. It was an integral part of his life before we met ad he always spoke of returning. I supported him and encouraged him, and he went to one session and then didn''t go back again.

He says he is human and will make mistakes - I kow we all do - but his " mistakes"  seem like excuses to me. In both these instances I felt betrayed.

I know this is my issue, not his  I also know that I put his happiness before mine and this is why I feel betrayed. But how do I change it?

After one of these incidents I can go for a few hours, sometimes days, without feeling upset and then all of a sudden it all comes bubbling out.

I know what the problem is, I just don''t kow how to change it.

Thank you.
Answer 471 views

01 Jan 0001

Curious. Its understandable that many people feel easily hurt about criticism of their appearance or behaviour - but you seem to be saying that while that doesn't bother you. But you are apparently greatly bothered when someone else doesn't do what they said they would do, even though this is obviously not your fault at all ?
Smoking is indeed very difficult to give up, and I'd gree with Purple's quote, that it can be harder to stop than heroin addictions. Most people who try to stop fail a few times before they succeed. So its not useful to greatly blame him for a failure to do so - and still less, not to blame yourself. You can't give it up for him.
He surely didn't choose not to give up, simply to betray you ? I hope in your studies you are exploring methods like Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy, which can help one to change unfruitful and unhelpful habits of thought
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