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17 Aug 2010

In love with someone else than husband
Dear Doc
I have been married for 16 years. My husband is a kind man who cares deeply about me and loves me a lot. However, our conversations never go deeper than his current sport hero, and we do not have a sex life at all. I am not attracted to him physically, and even though I tried my best to teach him some basic sexual stuff, he is just not interested. (No health problems - checked out!) Our intimate life consist of cuddling in bed when its cold for body-heat, and a peck on the mouth at night to say good night. But he tells me he loves me so incredibly. Also, all household responsibilities and financial responsibilities are mine.
Then I met a guy and we clicked immediately. We share the same interests and can chat for hours. We had sex and he is an incredibly skilled lover. For me, to have gone from no sex, to the greatest sex ever, it was quite a shock. We cook together, we do the same sport and he coaches me, we follow the same diet, its just to weird - its like I found a male version of myself.
He is not married, but does not want to get seriously involved at the moment as he is writing his final exams in October. He asked me to be patient with him until next year. We do not have sex any more, but do see each other often. He calls me a " special"  friend.
This is killing me. I am in love with him, but until next year I must try to keep my cool with him AND at home. I am depressed and cry a lot. I do not want to break it of with the other man now, because if he is for real, we could be so great together.
But then I would have to divorce my husband, whose whole world revolves around me. He does not deserve to be hurt like this!
But I''m still young, only 36, and don''t I deserve a marraige with a sex life and companionship? And I have a very high sex drive, my husband and I just are not compatible sexually!
But the wait for the other man is also killing me - to visit him and be with the man I''m crazy about, and not be able to kiss him even, because we are now friends, is so stresfull. He says he is not over me, he is feeling guilty because I''m married and is trying to suppress his feelings for me currently until he has his studies and work sorted out. And we must get to know each other well and become comfortable with each other before we make serous mistakes. (We have been " together"  now for 8 months.)
And in the meantime I am going crazy and dying inside.
How do I handle this complex situation? I do not have the strengh to break it off with the other man, and I can''t bear to think about another 36 sexless years in my current marraige. But I''m not strong like him to suppress my feelings until a suitable time in future!!!!!!
PLEASE help me!
Answer 420 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

You seem to be describing a situation which has existed throughout the 16 years of marriage - is this so ? As you know, love and sex can be related but definitely not necessarily so. There is much sex without love, and some love without sex.
Are you Depressed, I wonder, or, rather, sad and frustrated. Depression is an illness, with characteristic symptoms ; sadness often needs to be dealt with by attending to its causes.
Is there any possibility of persuading your husband to join you in marriage counselling, to see if any of the problem is remediable ? It may not be that sexlessness is absolutely inevitable within your marriage, with appropriate help
Apart from the frustrations of waiting, what are you expecting when your friend has finished his exams, etc ? Is it really likely that you will divorce your husband and that the other guy will become your full-time partner ?
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