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19 Jan 2004

INLOVE - maybe not!
I am in an abusive, unhappy marriage for the past twelve years. A few years ago I had an affair with this wonderful guy and naturally I was so happy. Then someone went and told my husband and I ended the affair. Now this guy has come back to me (I have changed jobs and my husband has changed our home telephone number, but he somehow managed to get my work number). I met him for lunch and the vibe was still there. My tummy still has butterflies after seeing him after so long. ………Four years to be exact.
According to him, he has tried to move on, had two girlfriends but the longest relationship was only for two – three months. Apparently I was always in his thoughts. Do I believe him? He has also moved to another province {to try and forget me}, but according to him he just could not. His cousin then suggested he get hold of me, and so we met again. He wants me to leave my hubby and move in with him – with my children! I think he is moving way to fast………imagine after just seeing me once and that is his suggestion. Is he just feeling sorry for me after hearing my marriage is still not good or is he in love with me/ does he love me. The first thing he asked me was if I loved my husband – I never answered him and then he suggested I move in with him – I joked and asked if he could not afford a maid, then he said he has a maid, he wants me. I want to keep on seeing him for a time and then decide, but what if “hubby dear” finds out again? The last time I thought maybe I was just infatuated, but when I longed for him long after the affair was broken off, I knew I loved this man.
What do I do?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Sade,
Of course we cannot tell you whatever might be in this man's heart ; nor can we tell you what to do --- those are decisions you have to make on your own. If your marriage has continued to be abusive, and your husband has shown no interest in changing his bad abusive habit, it's hard for us to urge you to persist with the marriage.
However, having once entered into what I assume you expected to be a happy relationship, only to encounter abuse, I understand your concern, that while on the one hand this guy might be loving, caring and ideal, it's hard to be sure after such brief contact. The fact that he has persisted in being concerned about you, and has persisted in order to find you again, suggests he might perhaps be genuine.
Maybe your instincts are right-- take this opportunity seriously, and don't brush him off, but don't leap straight in at the deep end. Lady Nina, as usual, has sound advice, and suggests a reasonable sequence of moves.
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