Ask an expert
Question

18 Jul 2008

Is there something wrong with me...
I have been going out with a really fantastic guy and last year October we got engaged... all went very well and we were starting to make wedding arrangements when things started getting difficult.

From the begnning I was aware that his mother had a health issue and his grandmother was also still around and that he had made the decission to look after them for as long as needed, but this was going to be with us living in our own place close to where they lived.... this idea changed within a very short period of time and things just started going south.... the more I tried to express my hesitation and dislike of the idea, the more I was not heard.

First thing was that his mother started interfering in arrangements that actually had very little to do with her - it is after all the brides parents that do the wedding stuff. From telling me when the wedding should be to how the wedding should look to which lodge I should book all the guests into.... I do not come from money and this instantly offended not only me but my parents too.

She then started pushing for home alterations to be done - her house was being re-designed so that we could live there with her. When I voiced my opinion that I was not happy about living in her house I was told that this is all he can afford and that he has to be there for his mother. Her ideas became his ideas and before long I was the outsider and the one being difficult and not realising how much his family was compromising to make me feel welcome.
To add to the already uncomfortable situation, he turned around to me and told me that he wants us to live together first before he marries me to see if we could live together.... this to me was offensive because I saw it that if he was not happy with the " way we live together"  he would naturally ask me to leave.

These things all just became too mauch a week or so ago and I called off the engagement.... it almost killed me.
We have since spoken and we both agreed that we love eachother madly and that that could be worth trying for... but both of us have allot to look at changing.

We are dating again in the hopes that we will find that reason for being, but I still have problems with the whole thing of his mother' s house, and other problems like drinking, the weed, the partying every Friday &  Saturday night and the fact that I don' t feel this is the right enviroment to start a family in. He has promised to not drink as much and not to party as much, the weed he does not want to stop and the living arrangements is definatly not going to change.

My question is - am I mad to try and find happiness with this man I love so much or am I just setting myself up for more heartache?
Do I have the right to feel uncomfortable about living in his mother' s house with all the responsibilities of her health and his grans health? Am I wrong in asking for a space of our own?
I feel like I am expected to give up my mother (who is also not healthy) and replace her with his mother....

I clearly need advise and probably should also find some professional help....

Answer 317 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Drinking and the weed, and the partying, if a large part of his agenda, could be continuing problems : and doesn't seem to fit with a guy so devoted to caring for his mother than he wants to switch from an engagement with definite marriage plans, to an auition for you. . Its admirable that he wants to be able to look after his mom ( if she does indeed have significant health problems.) But he does sound as though he underestimated his duties towards you as a fiancee.
Your concerns are fully valid. And he can't be very experienced with women if he doesn't realize that putting three strong-willed women within one household mis likely to cause conflict. And as you are expected to abaodnon your wish for a household for just the pair of you, expecting you to pay to convert his mom's home sounds rather cheeky.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.