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04 Dec 2004

It is too hard for people to like me like this. It is unfair on them anyway.
Hi Doctor you needed more info from my last letter beause you didn't fully comprehend I think. I'm sorry I guess I didn't explain myself fully. It's me the same Matthew with the social anxiety disorder.
Here is why I actually have social anxiety disorder:
I don't know how and can't have fun anymore and don't find anything funny anymore. I want to find things funny again without having to pretend, I want to enjoy things without having to pretend.
How does this work wit oither people?? I have to pretend that I'm having fun around other people and it's absolutely devastating and I can't do it anymore. I though it was right, but it's not, I thought everyone was doing it but they aren't it's just me. I am sick in the head. People don't want to be around me because I'm not interested in anything even though I try so damn hard to make them happy and feel comfortable around me. I'm sick of acting, I couldn't give a damn about anything and I don't try and push people away which is what you'll try and ask me. If anything I'm begging for a friend on this planet. But with time and constant abuse such as spitting, exclusion, emotional and other physical abuse I have learnt that I cannot be around people because I am different. It is human behaviour doctor I'm sure you understand, people are afraid of anything different and I'm very different because I couldn't care less about your marriage or anything because there is no future for me like this. People are so uncomfortable around me because I'm so nervous they will realise hat I'm putting on an act to keep them happy. It is all for you -|- ing abusive bastards. You pigs!! I nevere ever hurt people and am so swet and people walk all over me, because hey know they can get away with it. I don't want to fight back because it hurts me so much more than they know when they put me down. I've got nothing left from all these years of abuse from my father and peers. You're weird, abnormal, a freak, you're -|- ed, what happened.
I can remember at a young age not wanting to do anything because I wasn't interested, no matter how many times I did things I couldn't enjoy it. I have suffered long enough and I'm not stupid like the other retards on the avoidant personality message boards on the net who carry on writing about how the plumber arrived and they didn't drive into heir driveway because they were too afraid. They ask each other what's a good job as a n avoidan and they recommend truck driving because it's all on your own. I'm a -|- ing scared little boy and I honestly have no clue what to do. My one doctor says that I refuse pleasure to help me cope (it was PNI that she did) she says that I have social phobia because my mother has taught me to stay away from people, my mom has babied me for years and when I'm atround I act about 6 years old and speak in a little boy's voice. A lot of these shrinks say it's because my parents got divorced, but I don't think that's the problem. I'm just programmed differently, and I've been like this for years and you know what I don't see the point in living like this anymore if I'm going to have no future with this condition or whatever it is. I'm not even sure what I have anymore. I'm 21 and male remember?
That last doctor is gonna eat those words " Matthew don't let people tread on you"..... I have never ever in my life been so utterly devastated and abused by a person in my life compared to the way hat doctor treated me. She hated my guts and I had no other problems with the other doctors so why should this one have treated me differently???? Ever since I last saw her I've been going nuts and crying to sleep and not abe to sleep, I can't stop thinking about the way she treated me and it makes me feel that I am a disgusting person. She kind of solidified the fact that I am not allowed around people beause of te way I am.
Bitch, I'm sorry I am a mute and don't know how to socialize and entertain you like you're other clients and make you laugh and smile, is that way you refused to help me and make feel like dirt.
She will be back in January and I am going to enter her room with a gun in my bag, I will ask her for reasons why she treated me that way and why I feel worse instead of bettter (surely that is a surefire way of letting her know she did an unprofesional job!). After I have asked the questions and got my answers I'm going to pull that gun out and shoot her in both shoulders and both knee caps. Then I will turn the gun on myself and kill myself. She will suffer the way she made me suffer.
It was the perfect violation, she could scar me so bad inside and no one can see what she did, I can't prove it. She will pay!
Your Jesus is okay for punishing people for not doing what he wants them to do?? I teach people to not do as they are told but to treat others with respect, your God is too slow. Let me deal the punishment. I'm gonna sort her out and I just can't wait.
She coulldn't help so she decided to push me away and reject me which is what a doctor should do to a patient when they tell the doctor they are lonely, have been abused by people and are seriously thinking of suicide. I said I wanted to give her a hug because I thought she was returning to how cool she was in the first few sessions, but she sharply turned around waved her -|- ing finger at me and said "no, no hugs" and then laughed out loud in my face!!!! Judement is coming!
Answer 330 views

01 Jan 0001

Hi Matthew.
Maybe Social Anxiety Disorder, maybe some depression, too. Depression is excellent at removing our ability to enjoy ourselves --- technically, it's called Anhedonia ! The combination could be fully as unpleasant as you describe, and fortunately, the treatments would be similar.
If "spitting, exclusion, emotional and other physical abuse" iwas what YOU do, it'd hardly be surprising that people wouldn't enjoy being around you. If this is what THEY are doing, then you're mixing with a lousy bunch of people, and need to, and deserve to, meet a better class of people. With the right sort of therapy, there'd be no need for continually acting, or for feeling abnormal or wrong. I don't think you've been pushing people away from you, and certainly not deliberately so. But feeling uncomfortable with social skills, you may feel uncertain about how to draw them towards you when you might want to do that.
Your father and whoever else abused you, kept teaching you a false but convincing lesson, telling you that you're abnormal and inadequate. Putting this right and becoming happier and more comfortable will not only be agreeable for you, but the best possible response to the bad guys --- by refusing to accept the false lessons they taught you, and refusing to meet their twisted expectations.
I understand that various shrinks have given you different explanations for how you might have become like this, but frankly I wouldn't focus on the WHY at all. Whatever happened in the past to have influenced this situation, it HAPPENED and we cannot change that. But whatever conclusions your drew from those experiences, and the way in which Right Now they are affecting how you feel and act --- THAT can be changed.
The focus needs to be on how you can behave differently and more usefully, and then feeling good about that will follow.
Sorry you had a bad experience with the last doctor, for whatever reason. It's not your task to entertain the shrink. Actually, it's no their task to entertain you, either --- the purpose of sessions should be more serious and businesslike, and more productive.
But don't, on any account, take any further the fantasy, or the idea, of carrying guns around or of doing any harm to her at all. That would irretriveably ruin your life, as well as being wrong. Successful recovery is the best form of revenge on anyone who might wish you anything less than the best. And any form of violence towards anyone else will be seen by anyone who dislikes you, or even less than likes you, as a justification for whatever they did or did not do, and as permanent justification for not appreciating you, understanding you, or helping you. Don't give that satisfaction to anyone who dislikes you. You are, surely, a much better person than that, and worthy of handling things much better than that.
I ca understand how you could feel that the problems some other people post here about may seem trivial to you, compared with what you are dealing with --- but I've always felt that comparing the size of out problems is as pointless as comparing the size of our ears. So what ? Your problems are the worst thing you've had to try to cope with --- and the same can be said for someone else's problem, which THEY find devastating. No absolute comparison, weighing them up against each other, has any point to it. She has her problems, and you have yours, and each of us must do the best we can with what we have ; and fortunately don't have to work on anyone else's problems. ( Unless you're a shrink, which is another story ! ;} )
It's a pity that you have needed to be so persistent, in seeking the right therapist for you, but keep trying --- you deserve the best of attention, and the best of results. Some people are lucky enough to find the right person and the right result quickly ; others of us need to battle for longer to achieve it --- but while that's a reason for feeling discouraged, that's not a reason for giving up, or for attacking anyone else.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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