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25 Nov 2004

It killed me finding I'm gay. I could be HIV+. I Wont survive
I am a 22 years old male. I was always never emotionally strong. Five years ago I discovered that I could be Gay. I fought with everything I had, praying everydaY that I could wake up from my dream. It wasn't to be. It shattered my life.I had no one to talk to. I was so scared. I was lonely. Very lonely. Loneliness is one of the most horrible feelings to have. I met a boyfriend during September. It was a good feeling to belong with someone, to be held, kissed and comforted. He's irresponsible. I was very irresponsible to have sex three times with him without a condom. The first time we didn't have condoms. It was the first time we met in a bar. I asked him to use one abd he said he didn't have. He was from North West I thought if i didn't have sex with him he'd leave me and i'd never see him again.

Two weeks later i went o his place and we had sex twice. I brought the condoms with me. During sex he didn't mention them, I was so scared to tell him so i kept them in the bag. He was the second person to ever have sex with. On my first time i did use condom, but it was just a one night stand. Those are my only sexual experiences. If only i could turn back. I always told myself that i would never have sex without a condom, but i did! Stupid me. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Now we only talk on the phone. Part of me still feel very guilty and irresponsible and want to break up with him. the other part dosn't want to be lonely. I am thinking of an HIV test right now. what if i'm HIV positive? I wont survive. i don't think i'm that strong! I can't be. It will shock me, humiliate me, shatter me and finally kill me. I can't potpone the tests anymore but just the mere possibility....

i JUST PRAY to GOd to protect me from this dreaded virus and give me one more opportunity to be a responsible human being. Is that too much to ask? i no longer have complete faith in God anymore because i prayed that he'd take away these gay feelings, but they are still here. I have accepted I'm gay, but if there was a way out i would take it because I just want to be like the majority. I'm not that strong to tell my parents and to face humiliation and rejection. I just want to be HIV negative so much. I am so young and have so much ahead of me. If i'm negative I promise i will never never never ever have sex without a condom again. NEVER!!! I'd wait for the whole year before i CAN THINK OF SEX AGAIN. i'm begging you my GOd. Tears clouding my eyes and i'm trembling with fear. Look at me, Oh Lord, and answer my prayers, revive my strength and don't let me die.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Conn, if you are gay, that's fine. Many people are, it's not awful and it's not your fault. ( it's not about fault).
OK, you were unwise enough to have some unsafe sex. That doesn't mean you're doomed. In future, at least, you wil have learned that there is never any excuse good enough for unsafe sex, and that if anyone might leave you because you refuse unsafe sex, then let them leave and be pleased to be rid of them --- if they're that inconsiderate, you don't need them.
Sounds like it'd be a good idea for you to go ahead and have an HIV test --- you're probably not positive, but you also need some security of knowing, one way or the other, and need to see a counsellor dealing with such tests and their results. If it is positive, you CAn and will survive it. Positive or negative, you have a lot of life in front of you, and counselling could help you to live it more happilly and productively.
And as Paul says, the uncertainty is the most painful part --- once certain of ANYTHING, it becomes easier to cope with. You made a mistake --- we all do. Fools are those who keep making the same mistake, and those who, by never doing anything, never make a mistake but never get anything right, either.
And I agree with Aretha and her whole chorus !).
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