Ask an expert

26 Oct 2009

Just don&#39 t know anymore
I am highly fustratated. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and been living together for nearly two years. We were friends for about 3 years before we got serious. In the beginning, things were great but lately it has been hot and cold over and over again, I constantly have one foot in the door and one foot out the door. I just do not want to take it anymore, I have had enough. I'  m level headed, independent, very driven and goal orientated but very very caring and considerate at the same time. He is laid back and unorganized, among other things. I have known these things about him from the start and accepted them from day one as being a part of him. The problem is he is soooo stubborn. when we have issues I admit my wrong, apologize and share how I plan to change it in the future, as every fight has two sides I then encourage him to do the same about himself and add to my own imperfections so I can change them as must he. I do this as normal ways do not work with him. He will not admit his wrongs in any way, ever! I on the other hand constantly am accused of trying to control him, that’ s his favorite. When I ask nicely for him to explain how he feels that I am controlling he cannot give any solid explanation. I control all finances and I hate it. I carry all the stress. I do all the housework. I bring home the most money, I am the only one with a stable job. I am the only one with a car. I own most of the household contents. I do not hold this against him and never rub it in his face ever. When he insults me it willingly hand over the responsibilities onto him, he cant take it. Within seconds, he freaks out because he does not know how to handle money. I have offered to teach him, but nope, no go. He has the most freedom out of any man I know. He can do what ever he wants  he has to make his own rules because I won’ t make any. We can go out with his friends, who love me and he can drink and get drunk and make an-|-out of himself if he wants. im not controlling or overly jealous like some woman. I encourage him to see friends and family.

My problem is I get no help, no relief, yes he shares cooking duties, yes, he has started putting his own clothes in the wash basket, but when I come home from work stressed he doesnt offer to lighten my load, he dumps more crap on it. When I try talk about things bothering me he cuts me off before I even start my sentence and is very rude. I cant even reason with him anymore, I cant talk to him, there is no point in trying, Im past that I always end up talking at him! He doesn' t seem to care. I feel disrespected constantly by the way he talks to me and cuts me off when he doesn’ t feel like listening. and he is so demanding. I often take a step back and think "  wow"  , "  what did I do to get that response?”  because maybe i could understand if i was doing something but 8 times out of 10 i have done absolutely nothing. He has no reason to treat me like crap, honestly. I am the only one in his whole life that has been there for him, no matter what, the only one who does so much for him and his family. I even helped him to forgive his father after 15years and now they speak.

Whenever I express that I’ ve had enough and am leaving, he shows regret and changes his tune for no more than a week, but doesn’ t admit he’ s wrong or say he’ ll change (I don’ t ask him to though). He just becomes pleasant to be around for a little while.

I know it’ s partly his upbringing and I do not blame him for his dysfunctional ways and am very patient, loving and understanding of this. but I also had it tough and had to bring myself up and I learned wrong and right by myself so why won’ t he just see what he is doing and why wont he try to better his life, not only for me but for him. I just cant be treated like this anymore. I dont even get thank you anymore. I don’ t even bother arguing anymore. I just keep quiet and walk away.

Help before I walk out the door! Because once im out, im out! This morning I realized he didn’ t tell me to get bread on the weekend, so he couldn’ t make sandwiches for lunch so I asked what he was going to do and made some suggestions because he didn’ t know. He snaps, "  I'  m fine!”  wtf? So I left it at that. I then called him back and gently asked what was that about and could he please watch his tone because it wasn’ t necessary. He flips, so i ignore him. I ended up writing a note telling him to leave me the hell alone, we'  ll talk, but do not touch me or hug me or call me babe. I' ve had enough of the yoyo, if you know what I mean. and that’ s how I feel right now. but what if im giving up to soon and i end up missing out on what could be the best relationship of my life because at times we are so good together. He has improved slowly over the years, now it seems to be going backwards. Im just tired of giving and giving and it only is taken.

Answer 319 views

01 Jan 0001

Sounds like there are significant incompatabilities in personality and coping style between you. Possible couples counselling might enable you two to repair this relationship ; or at least to part in a more functional and amicable way ?
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.