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09 Aug 2007

Lost friend found but now 'lost' again
Hi CS. How are you? I need your opinion please. Mary (not her real name) and I grew up together, from primary right through to high school. We had our kids together as well. When our boys were about 6 yrs old Mary asked me if her and her two kids could sit at my house from 05:30 in the morning as her husband needed to be at work early. I agreed to this even though it was a huge inconvenience as I was still sleeping that time of the morning. During this time Mary's kids couldn't behave themselves at my house and to cut the long story short I eventually told her that if she can't keep her kids in check then they cannot come to my home that early anymore. She stormed off and harassed me telephonically so much so that I ended up phoning her boss to tell him to tell her to leave me alone. We lost contact and I never heard from her again.

14 years later and I found her email address and decided to email her to say hello. I discovered they moved to the USA after we had that fight. Mary was so glad that I found her that she couldn't believe I would want to associate with her again after her dreadful behaviour as she said she went out of her way to be spiteful towards me. She begged me for forgiveness and said she has lived the last 15 yrs of her life feeling very guilty about what she had done to me. She is so happy I contacted her and cannot say thank you enough. We had so much news to catch up on and we also opened up alot to each other. Things were going extremely well (for approximately 3 weeks since my 1st email), we phoned each other but she was always tearful over the phone. I just thought its because she felt we had "lost" years and thats why she was tearful. Anyway, 2 weeks ago her husband phones me and says that they (him and his daughter) have decided Mary and I need to cool our emails and calls for a while as she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown as she has alot of deep rooted hurts that she has never dealt with. (She had quite an unhappy childhood). He said that since I "found" her it has made her remember her past (something along those lines) and they feel that I need to stay away a while (he says they are not blaming me - its just coincidence that this has happened to her). Her husband is taking her to a Psychologist and she will begin medication as she is suffering from terrible anxiety and depression as well. Fair enough - but I would like your opinion CS. Why couldn't she email me and tell me that she is going through a rough time herself - after all, we have been so open and honest with each other that I find it hard to believe she couldn't do that. I'm really confused about her behaviour - isn't it a bit strange, CS. I feel quite hurt at what has transpired and to date I haven't heard a thing from her. Her husband updated me on the 31st July and thats the last I heard from her/him. I obviously won't be emailing her to find out how she is doing and I am quite angry as well. I can understand she may be going through a tough time - but is it possible to be so anxious/depressed that you cannot even email your 'long lost friend'? Sorry CS, but I don't swallow that. What is your opinion?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

She should ake the advice of the psychologist who has assessed her properly, rather than whatever her husband thinks the psychologist might advise. But the whole story does suggest that she has indeed been rather disturbed for some time, and in need of therapy. The husband may be being over-protective, or maybe he even worries about what she might have told you about him in the past, or simply wanting to find an excuse for why she got worse recvently, though your contacting her is probably entirely coincidaental. And this is a reminder to those of us who are tempted to seek what I call Geographical solutions to our problems --- by moving long distances, that you unavoidably always pack your baggage, and its the first thing you unpack .
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