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05 Feb 2004

Lost love
Good day Cybershrink,

My story is quite long and probably common, however I need to hear what I don’t want to hear if that is what’s going to be said. (Wow, that was a mouth full already)

About 4,5 years ago, I met the woman of my dreams. We had a relationship, which lasted almost 2 years. I caught her cheating with a friend of mine. Now generally it would not be a problem to kick this person out and move on with life, because I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. However, I fell deeply in love, love like I have not felt before! We broke up of course... and emotionally I was so destroyed because of this. I quit my job. I gave up on so many things! Yet I moved on, started dating but did not ever consider other women’s feelings when I met them. I compared them all to her and none came close, I did not give any of them a fair chance.

How will I be able to love again? Or be loved for that matter.

You see, I did everything for her out of my love for her. I cooked (I love cooking). I am romantic and gave her all the emotional stability she needs. She often returns and still tells me no man treated her as well as I did. I took care of her daughter [while she was cheating on me]. And, yes I do see her often, she regards me as a friend and I agreed to be her friend because I could not have her in a relationship because of the cheating.

Now the problem I have is that it has been over 2 years since we were together, yet I love her, need her and cannot stop thinking of her. It has reached the stage that I cannot even relax and not think of her. It is affecting my sleep/career/studies/relationships. I need a "quick fix" to get her out of my mind and heart. I need to erase those memories.

For instance, my friends and I are going to the farm this weekend and all that I can think of is that the last time I was there, it was with her! [More than 2,5 years ago, I could not go and used to go at least once a month!] I love the farm, I can relax, "smell the roses" and get away from everything. However this time I am going to the problem... or so it feels!

Another problem is that she is involved with my friends, I see her on TV (she is a cheerleader for a certain team), I feel her, I smell her, and I know I need her all the time.

It is to the point that I am going to go insane if I do not find help.
Answer 413 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear LL<
what a marvellously Byzantine opening sentence !
You don't need her. And when you compare her with other women you meet, you cheat yourself-- you're comparing, not the real her, but the fantasy her you created in your mind, and loved ; and you're comparing the best of what you fantasized she might be, with their reality, and conveniently forgetting the bad aspects of the real her. ( See ? I can manage a pretty Bysantine sentence muself !)
You don't need to erase those memories, but to change them, from the false ones you have been comforting yourself with, to reality-based ones. When you go to the farm, don't sigh about how marvellous he was, remember how cheating and hurtful she was, and feel happy that you can now enjoy it without her company.
You don't need her. You have convinced yourself that you do. Unconvince yourself.
Cut down on the contacts you have been having with her, they're not benefitting either of you.
Counselling --- from any available counsellor, depending on where you are. It doesn't need a rocket-scientist, just a professional with the usual training and experience.
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