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05 Apr 2006

love or money
i just need to ask you something, in thepast i was involved in an abusive ( emotional) marriage , none of my emotional or financial needs were met, after i caught him out the first time i made up my mind that once i'm financially independant i'll leave him, it took me years to get to that place, all the time living for the day i can get out of the marriage, never feeling loved or secure, eventually i divorced and i'm earning a decent salary, i enjoy having the finances to got o the movies or on holiday once a year, i love my independance and was not looking for a man, now i've met a guy so far so good, he seems kind and gentle a good man, but he is dead poor, age 45 and 2 divorces left him financially ruined, he left his job of 10 years and started a new one, he rents a flat and doesn't own a car, but pays maintenance for his child, im starting to like him becuase he doesn't scare the hell out of me, but what scares me is the fact that he is poor, i've battled all my life and only now am financially ok, i've manage to control and deny my emotional need to be loved, so i'm coping just fine, what if those needs gets real again and gets met by this kind man but i have to suffer financially, i've been very honest with him about my fears and although he is a little withdrawn he says he understand
financial security is my safety, should i toy with the idea of loving again at the expense of suffering financially?
Answer 419 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well done to have eventually left him, and good to enjoy your independence. After such a miserable relationship, obviously you wouldn't want to asume that any new and pleasant man in your life would inevitably treat you the same. But he needs to be evaluated in his own right. If he's so poor at that age, that's not very likely to change. With 2 divorces behind him, at the least he's not showing a convincing history of being skilled at forming and managing wholesome relationships. Maybe it is his vulnerability and relative weakness that you find reassuring, and that's why he doesn't scae you ? Maybe h'd be a good friend, but as a partner / husband, could dilute your savings and earnings enough to make it shaky for both of you ?
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