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15 Jan 2004

Manipulative (ex) boyfriends effects after breaking up PLS HELP
Hi there,
I recently broke up with Bob* who I have been seeing for the past 3 years and during these three years he has lied and manipulated me as well as everyone around him. I have supported him financially while running myself into debt. I ran my dad into debt and destroyed all my friendship as well as family relations because of this relationship. He emotionally broke me down and took away all self confidence etc. I know I should never have allowed him to but we get so sucked into everything that is going on in this relationship. He has cheate don me numerous times and I probably dont even know half of it! I really feel so lost and betrayed and so angry I dont really know how to deal with all these feelings, I also feel guilty but I have no idea what for. How should I cope with everything going on around me?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Seh.
Nice people often feel guilty for the awful things someone else did --- a sad fact, and unhelpful, as it doesn't only feel bad, but it helps to encourage the bad guys to avoid feeling appropriately guilty for the bad things they chose to do.
Face the facts that he was a loser who was prepared to drag you down with him, and that you have been truly lucky to escape from him and to have the opportunity to get on with a happier life, free from being dragged down by this loser. Don't waste time or enegery feeling sorry for him --- his type spend more than enough time feeling sory for themselves, and not enopugh time putting right the things they have damaged.
Your feelings are appropriate and normal, though uncomfortable ---anger is natural in such a situation. Concentrate, with the help of a counsellor or a good friend or family member, on learning the best lessons from this bad experience, so as to be better able to avoid this sort of thing in future, express your anger ( in private ) and get on with the much happier and freer life you deserve, leaving him behind, where he deserves to be.

Wings and the others have made wise comments, as usual, and worth thinking over.
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