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03 Apr 2006

Messed up sooo bad!
Dear CS

I have done unthinkable things in the last few months. Hurt people I love so much and i don't quite know how to find my way back to a normal life anymore.... people are watching me but i can't ever catch them..... i havent got a job... i -|- ed that up.... i told my partner to -|- off and leave me alone....... and i miss him so much but he changed and was forcing me to do things against my will..... there are moments of calm and sanity when i know that its my fault.... that i drove him there and that my illness has been messing with me.......... but i'm not 100% convinced of that most of the time....... instead its easy to hide and have no one know where i am......... let them be rid of this terror and not have to worry......... but then i miss them.... and when i miss them i start fearing that when they find me i'm going to get locked away.................... i know you cant really help me.......... but i remember you and your kindness and i think i just need some kindness.......... i dont know what else to do......... i'm fleeing so bad..........
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

It all sounds highly distressing. Surely you need to talk this through in more detail with the folks at Lifeline ( number on this page ) and find a way to see a counsellor to work things out. You don't need to do "unthinkable" things, and he shouldn't have been forcing you to do things against our will. It really does sound as though you need to see a good local psychiatrist for a full assessment and then a discussion of your treatment choices. You talk of "the illness" ; well, illnesses need treatment, effective treatment, and you deserve nothing less than that. If you can't afford to see someone privately, go to the Dept of Psychiatry at your nearest Medical School or major provincial hospital. Medication may well helped, but I don't see why "locking up" would be necessary. You got your act together before, and you can do it again. Admission may not be needed, and if it is, probably only for a relatively short time
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