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22 Mar 2003

Mother????
I have a problem with my mother which is frustrating me. She is my step mothe ri should say in the begining as a child she treated me very badly and menatly and emotionaly abused me. We since made up but every now and then things would go wrong and she would never accept her share of the blame but instead turn things around making people think she is the victim not the transgressor.

About 2 weeks ago my father (biological) had a tripple bypass. I stay in cape town and they are a great distance away. I would phone her to find out how my dad is and she would give me a story a nd when phoniing the hospital to speak to the nursing sistyer looking after my dad who would give me ansers to questions and tell me how he is doing would not always be in the position to confirm that my dad was experiencing what mother was saying but would be taken aback and say that she was not aware that he was experiencing so and so. Long story short here questioned mothe rabout this she said that if i wanetd to know how my dad was doing should phone her and not the hospital she would give me all the information i require. (I am a paramedic and would better understand if the medical sister explains who gratefully gave me all the info)

When da was discharged a week or so later I tried phoning to speak to him the next day to find out how he was doing she told me he is tired and resting and she did not want to bother him ( i undertood saying would call the next day to speak to him) Called the next day she again said she did not want to bother him that I should phone later. Dad sent sms the same night saying loves me misses me I was unfortunately in a meeting so could nopt call him at that stage ssent sms saying would call him the next day. When phoning next day she told me that dad has vsitors and she is not going to bother him i must call yet again. Told her he had sent sms the prvious evening "her response do not know why he cdan not leave the f---king phone alone." Was very dissapointed not being able to talk to my dad for such a long time and again said would call the next day Called the next day she says dad eating and anyway she does not want to bother him I must call again in two days time?????? she is keeping the phone away from him her own words! This really p me off and at this sstage not a very happy camper. I was due to go up on the 25th to visit for two weeks sms her asking if still ok for me to come she replied that my dad does not want anyone else in the house other than her and that I should come at a later satge yet my step sister and her son had been staying the whole week??????

What impression would this leave in ones mind other than one is not welcome and one is being rejected all over again as i was as a child. I am on medication being tretaed fro anxiety and depression. When I feel rejected tend to over react and do things that are at times irrational alot of the times suicidal thoughts and how i can do damage to myself also tend to lash otu at the person in a very negative way in this case sent her an sms after a few hours saying that found it starnge that i could not talk to my dad over the phone to hear in his own words how he is doing and questioned her as to why i was not allowed to visit yet my step sister and her son were allowed there?? I then told her to consider me dead and that i would never phone her again or stet my foot in her house as long as i live. Over reaction? Maybe but it felt right at the time???

I have since heard from my brother that she also does similar things to him and is alweays the victim she never accepts responsibility for the part she plays in a situation?

Waht does one do ????
Answer 477 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Don,
OK, you did over-react in the specific example you quote ( it's often a good idea when feeling so oevrwhelmed, to write --- on good old-fashioned men and paper --- a nasty letter to the person, pouring out all your anger and bitter feelings explicitly and in detail --- and then, having got it all off your chest, to burn that letter, not posting it. One of the severe problems with the SMS is that it's too easy to send a hasty immediate message before you have time to think better of it.
In this situation, it must be very worrying and frustrating for you, to be dealing with it at such long-distance. It does sound as if she is just making up excuses to keep you from talking to your father, and one would reasonably feel sspicious of her motives. I wonder what she would do with a registered letter ?
Maybe your brother, who sounds as if he's geographically closer, could insist on visiting your father, and see for himself how he is, and also take care to tell him that is wife is refusing to let you speak to him by telephone, and discouraging you from visiting. Perhaps you can tell her that, as your visit had been previously arranged, you will be coming, and expect both to see your father and to at least say a few nights. If HE tells you that he doesn't want you to say in his house, then maybe you can make fall-back plans to stay with your brother. But your father ought to be given the choice. One would worry that she may be trying to give him the false impression that you and your brother are uninterested in his wellbeing, and are not trying to contact him.
Are there other mutual friends or family who could intervene helpfully ?
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