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07 Dec 2004

mothers death
DEAR CYBER,
I AM 48 YRS OLD. AT THE AGE OF 15 I LOST MY MOTHER TO CANCER, I DID NOT KNOW THAT SHE WAS S0 BAD AND THAT SHE WAS DYING. ONE DAY WHEN I GOT HOME FROM SCHOOL THE AMBULANCE HAD ALREADY TAKEN MY MOM TO THE HOSPITAL AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I WOULD EVER SEE HER. WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO VISIT HER AT THE HOSPITAL AS SHE WAS SO BAD AND MY FATHER NEVER SPOKE TO US ABOUT MY MOMS CONDITION NEITHER DID THE OTHER SISTERS, EVERYTHING WAS ALL HUSHED UP. WHEN SHE DIED ABOUT A WEEK LATER EVERYONE WAS SO UPSET THAT MY DAD AND THE OLDER SIBLINGS JUST DIDNT DISCUSS THE DEATH OF MY MOM TO US YOUNGER SIBLINGS. WELL YES LIFE HAS GONE ON
I AM MARRIED WITH TWO CHILDREN OF MY OWN. MY PROBLEM IS I OFTEN DREAM OF MY MOM AND EVERY SINGLE TIME I AM DESPERATELY TRYING TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER AND SO DESPERATELY TRYING TO TELL HER I LOVE HER. I LAND UP CRYING BITTERLY IN MY DREAM AS I NEVER EVER GET TO TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND THAT I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE. MY MOM ALWAYS DISAPPEARS THE MOMENT I GET TO REACH HER. I KNOW THAT IT IS PROBABLY BECAUSE I NEVER GOT TO SAY GOODBYE, BUT HOW CAN I COME TO TERMS WITH THIS AS I NEED TO KNOW IN MY HEART THAT SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND THAT I SAY GOODBYE?
Answer 402 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

That must have been an awful experience, and sadly typical of how very, very badly many people handled cancer and death in those days ( and sadly, some still do ). You kids should have been told what was happening, and given every opportunity to spend more time with your mom, and the chance to talk about what happened and about your feelings, at the time. I am certain that your mom did and does know how much you loved her, even if you didn't have the chance to say that aloud to her at the end. But to help feel more sure of that, try writing a letter to her, telling her all that is in your heart about this, maybe take one copy and tuck it into the gravestone where she was buried ; and take another copy and burn it, letting the smoke take the message up and out towards her. And consider seeing a counsellor to deal with these important issues of unresolved grief.
And I agree with P about avoiding mediums, generally charlatans out to exploit the unhappy.
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