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08 Aug 2007

my bf is widow
I am in a committed relationship with a man I love very much and he loves me. He married his high school sweetheart at a young age. One night while arguing, she jumped out of the car and died from head injuries, after telling him she wanted a divorce. However with her last breath, she told him she loved him. That was over 20 years ago yet I feel he has carried a sense of responsibility for her death. He used to drink a lot, I'm sure he felt alot of pain. How can I convince him that she was the one who jumped and that it was not his fault. He talks about her often, and I respect that, because I couldn't imagine the having the love of my life tragically taken from me. He loves me so, and I feel terrible for feeling jealous of her, like he will never love me as much as he did, and still loves her. When he moved into my home, I hung her picture on my wall with his other pictures, to show my compassion and respect. Yet sometimes it's a reminder to me that I am second best. I feel bad that I feel this way. I'm not really a jealous person, but is it wrong to want his whole heart???
We plan to be married and haven't discussed it, but I often wonder if he would want to be burried with her or with me, but I can't ask that of him. Any advice for my situation??
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Obviously this was a traumatic and awful experience for him, and a way in which she inflicted lasting injury and pain on him. It would be understandable, though not correct, if he blamed himslf, as this as obviously not the outcome he wanted, and an act he couldn't have aranged or caused. You're not second best, just scond --- best in your own right, but diffeent. Wouldn't pre-mariage relationship counselling be a really good idea ?
And John is right in his comments, about the diadvantages shrines and of carying long-term baggage around
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