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05 Feb 2004

My bofriend hates it when I drink!

Im 26 and I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago. I actually met him in a nightclub and we had instant attraction. Hes afrikaans and Im english. I used to go out alot with friends but when I met him him he started complaining about me going out on my own. He says that I change when I have a few drinks and become flirtatious. I have asked my friends and they said what crap. I dont go up to guys and talk to them? He said he hates girls who drink and now if we go out he will tell me when Ive had enough. Or he will say 'you dont have to compete with the guys'.? Now when we go out I feel uptight about drinking at all. The thing is he doesnt mind him and I sharing a bottle of wine at home? It pisses me off to the extent that I resent him.

Am I wrong here? Or is he trying to control me?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Krisy, everyone's behaviour changes when they've had a few drinks, and one of the first things that changes, it that we don't realize or recognize the ways in which we have changed, and we don't remember the correct details afterwards, when we sober up.
It's possible also that your bf comes from a more socially conservative background than you, and one which disapproves of women drinking. And coming from such a background, even if one intellectually knows about equality, femisism, and all that, one tends to feel uneasy about it --- the emotional lessons learned as a child are harder to change than the intellectual lessons. Of course men get flirtatious, and/or over-talkative, and much les wise, when they drink, too --- and are just as likely not to notice these effects. But the prevailing social prejudices tend to be more accepting of this in men, and the results of alcohol, similar in both sexes, tend to be looked on by men as being manly, and men unfairly see it as unwomanly in a girl. Prejudices are pre-judging, and rarely a great idea, but we need to recognize their existence if we want to change them in specific situations.
And as kernel wisely suggests, if you agree with him that you'll drink no more than he does, ten you'll have the additional benefit of limiting the drinking both of you do. Alcohol isn't actually necessary in order to have a good time.
Maybe you drink moderately,. But there has been an awful trend in recent years, for young women to imitate the worst aspects of male behaviours, rather than the best, and to mistakenly see it as a form of liberated behaviour to behave as rottenly as men often do. And this has included, on too many instances, young women trying to out-drink young men, and to be equally promiscuous and even aggressive.
Freedom needs to focus on the freedom to be BETTER than our oppressors, not to imitate them.
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