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07 Mar 2004

my husband and his porno mag.
I recently caught my husband with a porno magizine hid in is backpack. I confornated him about it and it turned in to an all out war. I feel like I am not doing enough to satisfy him at home and that he may take it one step further. Am I just being paranoid or is this normal for a man to do. I have asked him to get rid of it but he refuses. What should I do?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear melissa,
If you'll check out the archives of this forum, we've discussed different aspects of this issue numerous times. Don't insist on seeing this discovery as meaning something bad about you, or some failure in your relationship.
I think it is useful to contrast many men's attitudes towards pornography with many women's attitude towards Romance ( soapies and romance novels ) --- you may find the soapies an agreeable bit of escapism fro the humdrom of daily life, but you don't watch them because your partner gives you no love. It's like reading recipe books, ratherthan eating all the fancy food you read about. Men can separate the purely sexual fantasy of porn from love and relationships. But they do easily get deeply embarrassed at such a discovery, as they feel awkward about reading it. Oddly, just as you feel his reading about it must somehow suggest that you're failing to satisfy him, he may feel that it means rather that he's somehow inadequate.
But it's normal, it usually doesn't interfere with a loving and sexual relationship, and isn't worth making too major an argument about it.
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