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09 Mar 2004

My man in 'n verhouding vasgevang
My goeie en lojale man van 11 jaar het in 'n verhouding met 'n vriendin van ons betrokke geraak. Hy is/was 'n baie standvastige mens met goeie morele waardes, rook nie, drink nie en het nooit rongekyk nie. Ons vertroue in mekaar was rotsvas en ons was mekaar se beste vriende - is steeds vriende. My man is 'n harde, sterk mens en ek is 'n sterk vrou wat nie sy konstante aandag nodig het om gelukkig te wees nie.

Die rede vir die verhouding is dat hy begin voel het dat daar nie meer opwinding in ons huwelik was nie. Hy het gedink dit sal vanself regkom en toe half onverwags in die verhouding beland. Om by haar te kuier is plesierig en by die huis is daar net 'n pligsgevoel (ons het 1 kind). Die dame is 'n redelike afhanklike persoon en floreer op aandag. Hy erken ons het 'n goeie huwelik gehad en dat daar geen rede is hoekom hy van my sou wou skei nie en dat hy ook nie kwaad is vir my nie. Hy kon egter nie sover kom om kontak te vermy met die dame nie.

Verlede week het hy die verhouding beeindig en my gevra of ons kan werk aan die huwelik. Die dame het egter probeer selfmoord pleeg, want alles het glo te veel geword en nou het hy besluit hy moet haar bystaan en van my skei. Volgens hom is dit nie uit jammerte of pligsbesef nie. Hy het 'n baie goeie hart en wil nie regtig een van ons seermaak nie, maar ons weet almal dat iemand moet seerkry. Hy glo ek is sterk genoeg om op my eie aan te gaan, maar sy nie. Hy is baie weg van die huis met sy werk en ek het hom nog nie een dag verwyt of daaroor geneul nie, maar ek is nie so seker dat die dame op haar eie kan funksioneer nie.

Ons dominee, vriende en selfs my prokureur glo dat die verhouding waarin hy is, nie sal werk nie en dat hy sal terugkom.

Ek is baie lief vir my man en ek het ook skuld daaraan dat ons huwelik in hierdie gemors beland het. Ek is bereid om volstoom aan die die huwelik te werk. Ek weet ook dat ons mekaar weer sal kan vertrou, want hierdie verhouding het my man vernietig en hy sal nie maklik weer betrokke raak sou hy terugkom nie. My vraag is, moet ek van hom skei of moet ek hom 'n paar maande kans gee om sy gevoelens uit te sorteer soos wat ons dominee voorgestel het? Dink u die verhouding waarin my man betrokke is kan werk? Hy wil nie nou vir berading gaan nie, want hy voel die verhouding met die dame kan werk.

Ek het hom reeds uit die huis gesit met sy besittings.
Answer 1,619 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

t2v,
The other woman, typically, is being highly selfish, insisting that he break up a marriage of 11 years, with a child, simply to make her feel more cheerful. I don't have great respect for that point of view. She has blackmailed him, ( and many "suicide" attempts in such circumstances are pure blackmail and not much risk to health ) and he has paid the first installment, in a relationship likely to be increasingly unhappy.
I doubt whether even he believes this other relationship will be successful and happy, unless he is really fooling himself ; and he is scared to seek counselling for fear that it will help him to realize that he is making the wrong decision. I suppose there's no great benefit in rushing into a divorce, after all this time, rather than giving im some time to realize the error of his ways. And maybe your lawyer also needs to remind him that he will need to be very generous in the divorce setlement towards you and your child, and will need to pay maintenance. So he needs to think of the real handicaps his relationship with Miss Extortionist will be carrying. Don't just give in to this and make it easy for her to get everything she wants ( even if what she wants won't be good for her ).
This silly woman chose freelly to have an affair with a man she knew was married and with major family responsibilities --- she knew that this was grossly unfair to you and your child, and she chose to go ahead with what she knew ought to be a brief fling. Yet, having caused all this damage and unhappiness to innocent people, she now has the chek to pretend to be the injured party, and the one deserving his attention and presence ? Doesn't she really need to learn that this is unacptable behaviour, and should not be rewarded ?
Like many well brought-up and moral people, you sound as if you are actually bewhildered when confronted with such blatantly dishonest and selfish immorality. But don't give in to it just out of unfamiliarity with it.
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