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12 Nov 2012

My sister- abusive relationship?
Hi guys... a while ago I wrote in about my younger sister (Athena) that we never see... whenever we have a family event, she can never make it because her boyfriend''s (Hank) family just happen to be having an event on the same day. I wrote in because I was angry that we don''t see her- when she would see him for the weekend while living with my Dad in another town, she would always call or get my dad to call me and ask if I could take her home (this would usually be on a Sunday morning, and it takes two hours out of my day to drive all the way to my dad''s house and back). Now that Athena has moved in with him it''s worse because she is actually in the area but she still doesn''t hang out with us. I was angry because she has basically missed two years of family events and birthdays whilst being with this guy. And Christmas... last year I had to physically BEG them to spend an hour with us on Christmas Eve.

So basically every time this situation arises, we have a fight because she says she is an adult and she can make her own choices, but at the same time she whines and moans that people have stopped inviting her to the family events and when they do, it''s like an afterthought. I warned her over a year ago that this would happen, she didn''t listen and still chose to spend all her available time with Hank (and during one fight, Hank phoned my other sister, Julia, and said he would make a point of never coming to family events). I mean, Athena even dropped me with house sitting- she offered, then when I took her up on her offer, suddenly her Hank''s aunt and uncle were going away at the exact same time, and despite the fact that she told me a month in advance she would look after my pets, she let me down. And I''ve done what for her? Played taxi for her? Lent her money (not just a couple of bucks, a couple of THOUSANDS to fix her car? Lent her MY car on more than one occasion so she can get to work? So I think I am owed an explanation as to why she doesn''t hang out with us.

So this weekend the same thing happened and I got angry. Julia got angry. We all got angry. We had another huge fight because she said she couldn''t come because she is at her boyfriends aunt''s baby shower. So my sister and I and our partners went to their house, saw one car which belongs to Hank''s mom, we buzzed the doorbell and guess who came out? Hank. Caught in their own lie. We just left, we just needed to see for ourselves if they were lying or not.

I then got a very threatening SMS from him, a very angry phone call from Athena digging a deeper hole for herself (she said the baby shower was at their house), and I basically cried my eyes out to my dad because of the situation.

What we actually decided is that my sister is in an abusive relationship with this guy. Ever since she''s been dating him she sees less and less of us. When she does spend time with us, he phones her constantly. My husband works where she used to work, and they told him my sister had to phone her boyfriend every day when she got to work and she once forgot and he phoned her and shouted at her so much she was in tears. I once took my sister home (well, to his house) a little later than we said (like 10 minutes) and he stood at the gate with this angry look on his face, he didn''t even say thank you for bringing her home, she just got out the car and started apologizing like she actually owed him something... it''s terrible. But Athena says she loves him and he will be a part of her life.

How can we help her? I sent her a long email asking her to think about things logically (she says she wants to be treated like an adult, but moans that my mother never bought her a birthday present. My mother said if she put in the effort to see them she would buy a birthday present). My sister is 22 years old, I am 25 years old so it''s not like I''ve got tons of life experience myself, but I know when something is off. I read a conversation between Athena and Julia and Athena REALLY doesn''t like me despite all I''ve done for her. She says she wants to be treated like an adult but still wants to be babied (she can''t handle the truth, and Julia isn''t as honest as I am. Or more not as blunt, but hey Athena wants to be treated like an adult). She thinks I have some sort of vendetta against Hank''s family, apparently I''ve insulted them but I don''t know when... maybe when I asked why they don''t encourage her to spend time with her family, why they think it''s OK to have her for Christmas for three years in a row without even considering us? I don''t know.

The worse thing is Athena is very gullible, and Hank is studying to be a psychologist, so we don''t know what mind games he could be playing with her. My dad is going to offer for Athena to move back with him (because no one can accommodate her here, and she isn''t working anyway). But what else can we do to make her see the light?
Answer 517 views

01 Jan 0001

WOW. I was tempted to wait for a long weekend off to read one this long. Why do you give this selfish girl so much power over you ? Why on earth did you ever BEG her to spend time with you ? Why would you need that so desperately badly ? If she doesn't choose to come to a family event, so what ? She is NOT that important ! Its not compulsory for her to attend. Why play taxi for her ? Let her call a taxi for herself.
Why did you and do you ever rely on her for anything, when she's so unreliable ?
Dont lend her money - she doesn't deserve it. There is no law that says she should get everything she wants or asks for.
Dont lend her your car let her make her own arrangements to get to work, like anyone else.
Why on earth do you sound so DESPERATE that she should "hang around with you " ? It should be seen as a blessed relief that she doesn't.
Whhy on earth waste your energy getting angry about it ?
Who cares what troubles she causes at her work - thats for her to sort out, not you.
DONT try to help her. You are making it more difficult for her to develop the essential skills of helping herself.
YOu speak as though you and she are Siamese Twins. Its not up to you to make her see the light. Stop getting so involved. She's a big girl and has to learn to look after herself. If she makes some mistakes and finds some grief, that's fine - she'll learn from it.
Leave her to live her own life, and life your own.
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