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29 Nov 2004

My wife and I struggle with a sensitive issue. Please help !!
I have a few questions to ask and maybe you can help with a little bit advice before I go to a psychiatrist and if I really need one.

I've been married for 13 years now. We have kids and I love my wife and kids very much. Both of us come from a very religious background and where raised with strict moral values. I think my wife has more, but back to the point. I believe our marriage is almost perfect. Well, just for one small thing. I always ask question about life and why we do things as we do and why are we here on earth really. The biggest disagreement we have is about porn. This is a huge issue. When I was a teenager, I got hold of a porn movie and watched it. This was great fun to watch for me and a turn on. I know you get different types of porn, and personally, I only like to watch the normal stuff. But, in our 13 years of marriage, we have never watched porn together. Not even the soft stuff they have on e and m-net. I tried to get her to watch it, but as soon as they start losing clothes, she switches it off. To me it’s not an obsessive thing. I don't need to watch it every night, but I just thing it might give some spice up our sex life as well as our marriage. I also think we have a normal sex life having sex once a week or sometimes more.

I discussed my feelings with my wife how I feel about this, but every time I bring this up, she rejects it. She said that this will keep us from going to heaven and religiously this is wrong and against her morals. I do respect that that is why I never forced her to watch it. She said she's not jealous if I see naked girls, but I know also that her self-esteem is not what it should be. She is pretty and not even fat, so I don't know why she would be jealous. I don't want to sleep with other women, but not that this ever has crossed my mind, or even do the things they do on that movies. I just feel that I am a man, and personally I think all our men are born with this instinct to look at beautiful women and to look at sex. Nothing dirty or sadistic.

Now, my few questions.

Do you think I am wrong for me to try and get my wife to watch porn with me?

If not, is there anything I can do to change her mind (I tried everything)? (What about hypnosis?)

Do you think I have a huge problem?

Can I do anything to get rid of my urge to watch this?

Do you think I need to see a psychiatrist?

She wants us to go to a marriage counsellor from our church. Do you think this will resolve anything?

Please give me some advice; this is becoming a HUGE issue in my life.
Answer 426 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Of course one can easily understand you wife's point of view, though if viewing porn will be guaranteed to keep somone out of heaven, well, there won't be too many people going there in recent years or the forseeable future.
There is nothing wrong with a couple watching porn together --- if bopth of them want to and both of them enjoy it. In your marriage, I wonder why it bothers you so much that she doesn't want to watch it with you. It's as if you still feel, deep down, that it might be wrong, and that you'd feel validated and comforted if she would share this experience with you. But she seems to have made it pretty clear that it would bring her no pleasure, and that she doesn't want to. In such a situation, surely it would indeed not be right to expect her to do what she doesn't want to ?
And the idea of een thinking of using hypnosis to persuade her --- what are you thinking of ? If hypnosis doesn't work, what next ? Tie her to the chair, or try a general anaesthetic ?
It may be useful for you two to see a mariage counsellor together, but maybe not one from your church, as that suggestion sounds as if she wants to start by choosing someone who will already agree with her and disagree with you, which is rather like your idea of hypnotizing her into enjoying it against her will. Rather, see someone more neutral, from FAMSA, to explore the issues more objectively, and without pre-conceived decisions. And i9t must be someone who is properly qualified, not just as well-meaning do-gooder.
Amd don't focus only on the porn issue, which you seem to be blowing into a larger issue than it deserves to be. See what can be done to boost your wife's self-esteem and pride in herself, and your abilities to understand her point of view, as well as her understanding you better.

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