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08 Dec 2004

need advice
HI there,

I need advice on the following: Does my boyfriend need help?
How do I know if he is a compulsive lair.
For the past 2 weeks -since we moved in together - things have not been going well. I keep feeling more and more like his maid than his girlfriend. He speaks to me disrespectfully - i have to remind him constantly that i'm not his dog, he answers all questins in the negative - for instance if someone that just met him leaves and said " nice meeting you" he will answer " what's so nice about it it's not like i'll see you again?". I think he is very selfish - if we go out he buys himself something to drink and lately i have to ask him for a kiss or a hug then he tells me to come to him and come get it - i'll be sitting down at the table and he would be coming into the room and be standing in the doorway. Friday night we went out with frineds of mine for dinner at Monte Casino - first he brought work home and made us an hour late but not before I asked him If he wants to work i'l go on my own he insisted that he will join me, once we were there ( at 8 instead of 7) he insisted we hurry up so we can leave at 9 so he can go work. at 10 after eating when we said goodbye to everyone while they were still eating he decided that he wanted to go gamble for a while we ended up leaving at 1:30. I had to satnd and watch him blow 3oo bucks on poker. I don't gamble. I asked him a few times if we can go home that i'm tired, he just gave me two 25 rand chips and told me to keep myself busy. Eventually I took the car keys and went to the car and sat there till he decided to leave. It's like everything is on his terms - when I bring it to his attention he just says -he is sorry but he is under stress and I must be patient... (he just started a new job in pc programming)

He works late and we do spend little time together but when we do get to spend time together he doesn't talk to me he will talk to the other people living in the commune with us. so what's the use? He also doesn't lift a finger in the house when I ask him to butter the bread it's an effort for him, or ask him to help me make supper.

Then there is the lying... He is only 22 (i'm 26) and feels the need to lie when meeting new people. For instance when meeting someone who likes motorbikes he will go on about owning his own bike and carry on about impossible things that he does with this imaginary bike. People know's he is lying and thats why they think he is an a-hole. If he meets someone from another nationality (portugese or chinese) he will go on telling them that he knows the porra mafia and the chinese mafia - crap like that.
I spoke to his mother and she said "he has a demon in him and we should all pray for him, he has been lying since he was a small child and it is a virus". I think he has an inferiority complex - it's like he feels the need to lie about himself in order for people to like him when it is not needed.

When we just started going out he was so nice, attentive, loving and kind. He would play with my hair or lie next to me staring. It was like he was happy to just be with me. I did bring these things to his attention by writing him a letter telling him how i feel and he just said that nothing was his fault that it was all my fault. The problem was not with him it lies with me. I do admit there are things that I do rwong but at least i'm trying to fix things, trying to work it out but he never lets me in - always keeps me at an arms length and I simply can not take it anymore, I do love him but don't know where to go from here.

We took a break from each other since Sunday - due to our room being flooded with all the rain and will talk about things tonight. I feel like suggesting to him that he stay in the house, i'll stay at a friends house till January. I feel that he should show me that he wants to be with me, because everything has been coming from one side, I pay for everything because he just started the new job and will pay for things once he gets his first paycheck end Dec. Like we have to start from scratch and he has to show me that he loves me if he really wants to be with me he will make an effort... wont he?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Prettywell everyone lies at times ; a compulsive liar lies even when it produces no benefit to him, and even when he's sure to get found out. This guy sounds immature and selfish, and not adult enough to have an adult relationship with a real woman. I cannot imagine why any intelligent woman would tolerate being treated so nadly by such a loser. Why not leave him and get a life of your own, and wait for a boyfriend who is worthy of you ?
Yes of course he needs help, buit until HE thinks so, sincerely, it would be impossibloe for anyone to help him. Save yourself
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