Ask an expert
Question

04 Jan 2005

Need advice
Hi

I'm a single female and staying away from home. I just got back from the holiday's from my parents house and even though I did have a great time at home, I still feel that my mom is not as proud of me as she is of my sister. The thing is that my sister is getting married soon and has a better job and her own house. I'm not jealous of their relationship but at times I feel as if I'm a dissappointment. Another thing is that my mother feels I wasted her money studying something after i completed matric that I'm not even using now and this makes me feel even more guilty. I am however studying something else partime while I work and paying for it in my own but my mom makes comments such as if I had studied this in the first place, I'd be better off. I also feel inadequate cos I don't have someone special in my life although I haven't been really looking. This is really bothering me and has made me feel a bit down, what can I do?
Answer 419 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

This sort of thing happens, but it only gets you down if you allow it to. Don't buy into the game. Hopefully, your sister is busy becoming an excellent HER, whoever she is, with her own combination of skills and hopes. Nomatter how brilliant you are, nor how hard you work, you could never be more than a second-rate Her. Your task, instead, is to become a first-rate YOU, something which nobody else could do. I agree with all our readers here. Usually for entirely irrational reasons, some parents choose to be more proud of one of their children --- even if that child makes a mess of their life, they consider it to be a very special mess, and ignore the excellent achievement of their other children. It's like they're colour-blind ( like the people who don't see colours as the rest of us do, and to whom red and green might look the same ) --- it's a fault in how they see things, NOT a fault in how you are.
And as Das suggests ( and it actually happens in all cultures ) some parents are mainly concerned with Bragging Rights, and also with living vicariously, through their children --- so the one who seems to be doing whatever THEY most wanted to do, is considered to be great.
So, you haven't yet been looking for "somebody special" in your life --- that's probably very sensible, you don't need that someone yet. Look for him when YOU are ready for it, not when Mom wants it. Now you are studying something YOU want to do, and at your own expense --- that's admirable. Your job in life is to live a good and authentic, genuine life of your own, not to just make your parents happy, especially when they reasons for "happiness" are neurotic, selfish and unreasonable. Don't feel guilty.
Your earlier studies are not wasted --- you learned how to learn, adn you're using that skill now ; and later in life may well make good use of the earlier training as well as of your present studies.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.