Ask an expert
Question

07 Jan 2005

Need advice
I'll be married 9 years in March this year . I can't exactly say that it's been smooth , but I'm still hanging in there . The problem is not my marriage though , it's this need to get in contact with a certain someone that I had a very strong friendship with just before I got married . We were very close , could share anything personal but always knew that we couldn't take the relationship further 'cause at the time I was involved with someone and so was he . We were just each other's shoulder if things went wrong in our relationships with our partners . The thing is , I got married to the guy I was seeing without telling him about it . He visited me the evening after I got married 'cause it was my birthday , intending on wishing me but only to be told that I'm married . I never spoke to him again after that and just carried on with my new life .
Now , this is where I need advice on . I've seen him on 3 occasions in last month and cannot stop thinking about him . He's subsequently gotten married as well and his wife has just had a baby . I have this very strong urge to get in contact with him so that I can find out why we never ended up together , why he never did something about our feelings for each other and perhaps also to apoligise for getting married without informing him . I guess I need closure on my relationship with him 'cause we never got a chance to do that . I also do not want to cause any trouble between him and his wife , so , contacting him might be a bit risky . I would really like to just talk to him 'cause I think I miss that about him . He was a great listener (my husband is not) .
Do I contact him or not , or do I let sleeping dogs lay ? And , what will he think of me ?
Answer 394 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

JM, You're both married now. To further any relationship between the two of you now, would needlessly hurt your spouses and children. WHY you never ended up together isn't what matters now --- you can't change history. Closure is something you could usefully seek in counselling.
And of sleeping dogs ? There are many such old sayings --- as the Tom Wolfe book said, "You Can't Go Home Again" --- because at the stage you get back, it isn't what it was. You can't step in the same river twice --- because by the time you revisit it, the river has slightly changed it's shape, and the water is all new.
Rather invest effort, perhaps in marriage counselling, in revivifying your present marriage, than in trying to hark back to what will always be out of reach. Neither of you is today, the people you were back then.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.