Ask an expert
Question

02 Jul 2005

Need help ASAP - destroying my life
Hi CS

I am desperate for advice/help. I am finding myself in the same situations regarding my relationships with men and it is eating away at me.

I have reached a point where I do not wish to be physical or sexual with a man that I am not dating. BUT when I am alone with the man I feel as if I cannot say NO. I feel as if I have lost control of these situations! I don't jump into bed with strange men but I always let it go further than what I am comfortable with. It mostly involves "fooling around" but it is still not comforting. Afterwards I feel used and let down. I feel as if I have let someone exploit me and use my body for their pleasure.

I am losing (or have lost) respect for myself to the point that I will end up in a dangerous situation. I have been hurt in the past and I am skeptical of EVERY single man. I do not trust anyone and I question their motives. This is destroying every relationship or potential relationship. I am now angry and disappointed in myself. I do not feel happy about any man - previously I used to feel good inside and have butterflies but now I know I have a problem.

I am scared of getting involved with anyone but I know avoiding situations is not going to solve my problem. Please help doc. I feel extremely anxious about this. It is the one area of my life that is eating me away! What can I do to get my self-respect back and to avoid being stuck in the same position in future?
Answer 339 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello Fallen,
It's an odd but tru fact that we often seem to get stuck in recurring patterns of making the same mistakes in our lives and relationships, presumably in good part because we didn't learn the appropriate lessons or draw the appropriate conclusions, the first time round. This is where counselling, particularly of the CBT (Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) type, can be so very useful.
Somewhere along the line you have formed a policy that you have to allow the man to go further with you than you feel comfortable with, or you'll lose him. Not true, of course, but presumably convincing to you thus far. See a good local counsellor, preferably one doing CBT, and review all the assumptions you routinely make about yourseld and about relationships and men. It needn't take long for you to regain your self-respect, and that inner sense of security and liking yourself, that you have mislaid.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
Results
Yes
33% - 9379 votes
No
67% - 19431 votes
Vote