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15 Jul 2010

NO MORE LOVE?
My sister’ s friend is 24. I became friends with her and we knew each other for 2 years when she started to tell my sister that she really likes me. I was of course not interested as I am 34 and I thought to myself that I don’ t really want to get involved in a relationship and she is not my type. She was trying everything to get my attention and I did not give in. Eventually I said to myself what the hell, let me give it a try and see what happens. So we started going out and I eventually asked her out to be my girlfriend. After about 2 weeks of dating she started saying things like she is not sure what she wants in life and that she does not want to hurt me and that she is thinking of going overseas in the next year and she still wants to explore the world. So I was very depressed because I did not want to loose her in my life as I know how I feel. After about 6 months of dating she broke up with me saying that she does not have feelings for me the way I have for her and that she feels that chemistry and sparks are missing in our relationship. So we seperated and after 6 days we were back together again to give it another try.
We watched inspirational movies together to make the relationship work for us and everything went smoothly for another 6 months. Sometimes she would ask for ME time which is understandable and she said to me everyday that she loves me. I was always giving her presents and spoiled her a lot with romantic dinners and flowers and special weekend aways but I hardly got anything back from her in return. Not that I expect something back but just a small gesture of appreciation would have been nice.
We have been intimate most of the times but this also bothered her for the last year. Sometimes it was ok to touch her and other times she said to me that it is not ok and that it must not happen again. 2 or 3 weeks after the decision she would get angry at me for not touching her and then she is upset with herself and her decisions.
Now she made out with me once more after dating me for 1 year saying that she has been lying to herself and she still thinks there is something missing in our relationship and she cannot carry on like this and keep on trying.We seperated and she said to me that she does not want to loose me in her life and she would like it if I can stay on in her life as a friend. Now she has decided to go to england next year to go and work there for a year.
After the breakup I did go and drink some coffee at her place but as a friend. The last week she has been very down and I received sms’ e saying that she misses me. I then replied to her that I also miss her but the decision is upto her what she wants in life and if she wants me in her life as a partner. She then said that she is going overseas and that she is going to miss me alot and that I need to come and visit her if I can.She will still be in south africa for another 6 months before she leaves. When I asked her what she wants she said to me that she is not sure how she feels and for how long she is going to be overseas but that she misses me a lot and she is not sure if she is missing me because she is not with me or is she missing me because she wants to be with me. She said she enjoys having the space at the moment aswell
I really fell in love with this girl but it is also hard for me to stay friends with her knowing that I have feelings for her but I also don’ t want to loose her and cut her out of my life because this is not what she wants and if I do this I might loose her forever and she might be the one. We get along so well and we have the same interests.

I am praying to GOD everyday that he brings her back in my life but I also want her to explore the world as this has always been part of her dreams.So I cannot let her not do it. It is hard for me to let go and I know she misses me a lot and she confessed that she actually have feelings for me but that she is confused as she wants to explore other relationships and she is afraid that she will regret it if someone else came along and maybe he was the one.
What should I do? I am also confused and not sure what she really feels and should I give her the space to sort out her head and to find herself and to establish how she really feels about me. We do see each other maybe once a week and then I can feel there is chemistry between us as we still touch hands etc but maybe she is unsure of everything and maybe she does not know what she wants in life… … .
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Wow, that's a long one ! She sounds a rally immature and self-centred girl, not yet a woman, and as though she genuineluy doesn't know what she wants. When she has something she doesn't want it, and when she doesn't have it - she wants it. If you have 6 months before she leaves, try some couples counseling sessions to clarify what each of you actuall wants, and whether there's any reasonable chance of getting it together. I suspect she will say she misses you when she is away, and if she comes back and if you get together again, she will lose interest again, and want more "space" and ME-time. I have doubts whether this relationship is a wise investment for you
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