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04 Apr 2006

No sexual desire in my boyfriend
My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. For the majority of that time, he has been steadily unemployed. Needless to say, I have had to pay the mortgage, the bills most of the time the car insurance all of the time (even though he drives the car more than I do) and buy all the groceries. Basically, I am the bread winner and it is taking it's toll on me emotionally. When I do try to communicate this to him, all he can say is "so because I don't have a job and no money, you won't have sex with me"? I have had emotional issues in the past that I know are mine to deal with, but what I can't do is get into the mood when all I think about is how much money it costs each month to support the two of us on one salary and it gets me really down. He cannot understand that this is the main reason I have no sexual desire. I also recently lost my Dad in October and he may think that I should be well over it or perhaps should have had an increase in sexual desire because of it, but I don't think it works that way. The fact remains, that at the end of the day, he thinks the problem is all mine to take ownership of and I strongly disagree. What advice can you give me? I need him to realize that I am not crazy and that how I feel is perfectly normal.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi vanessa,
Sounds like these years have been an excellently good deal for your bf, maybe a bit less so for you. Has he really been completely unable to get a job, even part-time jobs, all this time ? Has he been really trying to get one ?
The answer to his silly qustion ought to be : "So, because you have no job and no money --- that's why I ought to have sex with you ? " Many people wouldn't feel any sexual desire for such a user. Ad to that your very natural grief for your Dad ( people rarely get over that within a few months ). He's trying, successfully it sems, to balem you for his laziness and dependency. Of course what you feel is entirely normal --- by why do you hand onto this loser who seems determined to remain a loser ? Why do you continue to support him ? Why not give him a deadline to find a job or move out, and reclaim your own home and your own finances ? Move on --- don't you deserve a much better relationship than this ?
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