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18 Feb 2004

Pain after wife's affair
T'is my second marridge, us together 16 years. Went through a duufficult time 3 years ago. Me drinking and coming home late 'cause entertaining business friends.
Wife left me for 6 months. after a month we started sorting things out, I went to see a Shrink and stopped drinking, comletely, and making plans to get together again, start over. On the weekend of her birthday, we were going to spend a long weekend together, renewed our vows, she coming back home. Then she met a guy, who was'nt drinking, listened to her and basically knocked her feet from under her. So on her birthday and the rest of the weekend, which was mine, he slept with her, she doing all the things what see was going to do with me, with him. That hurt like hell.So thingsturned into a competition to get her back, that was all that counted, WIN!
So I won, 3 months later she was back and we renewed our vows. At the time I still had withdrawal symptoms and used medication. Stpped meds 9 months later, everything was fine.
Then another competition started, I had to be better than the other guy. Meantime our sex life took a dive, she is just not the same as before, lost interest in sex. Tells me she love me very, very much and is happy just to be with me, sex not an issue. I however need more and lately can't stop thinking how well she performed with him sexually. They had it twice a night, going flat out! I know, I listened with special equipment from the spy shop, as she at first denied it.
I try to talk about it, to no avail. It is now very bad, Ican't stop myself thinking about what she did with this guy, I am at the point of doing something terrible to him.
please help, how do I handle this?
Answer 380 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dolfie,
I understand that you find this situation hurtful. And surely you understand that "doing something terrible " to the other guy is not only illegal, but profoundly foolish, as it could not possibly do anything but make your situation hugely worse. Having spied on her affair, you are experiencing just the results you sould have expected, from doing so --- eavesdroppers very raely hear anything good or comforting about themselves.
You have shown some real capacity to try seriously to put things right, as, for instance, regarding your drinking --- well done with that. But surely, as other readers point out, your wife has had to put up with a lot over the years and apparently she has been prepared to forgive and forget about them --- why are you insisting on holding one single episode of indiscretion against her and refusing to forgive or forget it ? From the sound of things, there could be a realistic chance of you two working things out again, but surely you need and deserve to do so with proper expert help, by working together in marriage counselling, as it sounds complex and dep enough to be more than you are likely to be able to solve on your own.
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