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05 Dec 2004

Please don't leave me and please listen to Nine Inch Nails!! haha
Doctor, I'm scared you are going to get sick of me for asking for help, I don't know what's going on with me, I keep changning all the time and I don't know what happiness is anymore. But nevermind that right??I feel I must murder that lady because she must not treat any of her other patients like that. She must be punished. How many people has she hurt already. She must be stopped, and you know the justice system has nothing to do with justice, but more with how much money you have orwhether it was a well publicized crime. Her crime she can jus get away with, it's not fair.
I sometimes think of murderers and I wonder if it's really there fault, because what if they thought it was the only thing they could and they thought it was right. What if they were abused by their parents and one day shoot them? Who is to blame, the parents or the retaliating child/murderer? I find this fascinating.

Nine Inch Nails:
So you know Trent Reznor and the boys?? You have made my week, he's my little boy. haha. He is my Dad and I'm going to look after him one day. His long black hair, he doesn't have to be sad anymore, I love you Trent and you don't have to be alone anymore. When a movie makes you cry, it's because it made you think and hit a chord, Trent's music hits more than a chord for me. How did you find out about his music. I'm sorry if you were offended by some of the swearing, but he has to get it out of him. I want to be him. I have to be there on stage letting it out. I feel like it's the only way. Me and Trent are so alike, the difference between me and him is his ever enduring desire to have sex, I desire sex like everyone else, but I find myself more nurturing. Or maybe he is writing in the third person. I want to hold him. I'm a tad weird hey?? I wouldn't mind holding PARIS just because she's sweet and likes him too. I hope George Bush and his group of ignorant christian fundamentalists don't censor so much music out there. We need it, all of us. We need to learn and open our minds to everything, it's scary at first but it must be tried. There is plenty to learn. It's so much fun and precious to me Trent, we are crying for you!
Thanks Doctor.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi Matthew,
Far from sick of you so far ! But concerned about you. It's actually not uncommon for a patient to develop a crush on their therapist, to develop very strong feelings, which the therapist does not and must not themselves feel or respond to --- therapy is about helping, not loving. Now, maybe she responded a little clumsily to you, maybe didn't fully understand how profoundly you felt about this, or how hurt you might feel. But that's unfortunate, not a crime. I understand your concern that other people might be hurt in this way, too, but actually its not likely, fortunately. And your task isn't to be a sort of vigilante on behalf of others who have not asked you to intervene for them.
And remember too, that while, for instance, it may seem very natural to share a hug with someone with whom you feel friendly, many therapists are specifically taught in their training NOT to do this, for a variety of reasons, some of them rather good --- and her laugh may have been one of embarrassment, from not feeling confident about how to deal best with the situation, rather than actually laughing at you.
Maybe you spend too much time thinking of murder, and, apparently, identifying with the murderer --- you think the guys who rape a baby or an old woman, and then shoot them, are not to blame for their awful actions ? Surely not. And even if you're thinking about it as a form of retaliation, our duty as victims is to rise above it, to show that we are BETTER than those who victimized us, not to sink enthusiastically to their leval and demonstrate that we can be even worse than they were.
And as you later say : "we need to learn, and to open our minds" --- and the sort of retaliation you were thinking of would end all possibilities of learning, and would be the action of a closed mind. It would be you acting like Bush, making a fundamentalist pre-emptive strike, and deliberately ignoring all the wiser advice, and ignoring all the sufering that his actions would cause to totelly innocent people --- just like he did. Surely you don't think Trent ( or an other Nails !) would approve of such proposals ? You are not destined to be a Bush, so please unBush yourself !
I hope you appreciate the wise and thoughtful comments of Chelle. And she makes an excellent point by suggesting that you seek a male counsellor / shrink for a fresh start in the new year. That way it would probably be easier to separate the work you need to do with an expert counsellor, from personal affections, which would be better directed towards people who are free to respond to you if tthey wish to, without professional constraints.
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