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25 Jul 2005


I hope u had a good w/end & got sum rest.

There’s something bothering me big time – its really so stupid – but it makes me so damn anxious. (I am back on anxiety tablets again cos when I tried to stop them – I couldn’t eat a thing, threw up all the time, (at least I lost a sh*t load of weight) couldn’t concentrate or sleep, yet was permanently tired. The GP says I cant go off this stuff on my own – need to be hospitalised as have been on and off it for 12 yrs – he reckons my body will go into big time shock - & the doctors will have to have a back up plan) (Alzam 1mg 3x a day (or 10 – depending on how I feel, pur bloka 40mg)
Any way….my prob today…..i have realised I am going to drive MYSELF nuts! I know we’ve spoken bout this – & u said maybe I need to “not in a relationship for now, to get stronger,to build up my own confidence, self-esteem etc…..but its so hard to be alone right now. And yet,when people want to get “close to me” as in a relationship - I panic and want to run a mile.

I don’t know why- but my age thing is really getting to me now – feels wrong to be single, childless. I’m already 35. All I eva wanted was a loving family. And I really LOVE kids….but am on a permant panic attack cos I realise it aint gonna happen to me…..i’m never gonna be a mom doc.
I feel worthless, unfulfilled….empty.
All that love that I dreamt of giving my own child, that I never got from my parents…..i’ll never be able to show it. That’s y I’ve seriously bn thinking of getting a dog again, just like Sam,…..& showering him with love.
Coming back to the guy thing…..i so badly want to love and be loved…..but all the guys I meet are …. I don’t really know how to explain it….they want me to be WHO they want……they’re not really interested in WHO I AM.
There’s this one guy whos loved me for years and years…..& even tho I’ve left him 3 times – he always wants us to get back together. I adore him – as a friend, he makes me laugh, he understands me, listens to me, is so sensitive to others needs, everyone loves him…I can be with him for hours, but I’m not sexually attracted to him. Should I be with him, regardless??? Can u FORCE yourself to be sexually attracted to someone? I feel….like yuk if I even think of kissing him. Should I not make such a big deal of it? Is that really so NB in a relationship? Please tell me honestly…cos u don’t find good people anymore. Everyone only cares about themselves. He spoils me rotten (which makes me uncomfortable)…..he puts petrol in my car without telling me….but u know wot doc? When I met Andrew….i NEVER questioned whether I should “be” with him or not …… I just knew I loved him & I had to be with him
Now ….this other dude, NEVER argues with me…I always get my own way (& I can be domineering!)
I’ve just read this letter….& I know wot u gonna tell me…..but really doc… honest will I EVER find anyone I love again? I don’t think so……that was a once in a lifetime love. So – shouldn’t I just be with someone, who treats me well, is a genuine person, and a best friend?
Or should I be with someone who treats me not so well, just for the sake of having someone in my life?

Please help me…….& if u cant help – please tell me how to calm down, cause I am so anxious about life, that I’m forgetting how to enjoy it.

This is serious sh*t doc – I really need u….my insides are shaking…….i feel horrible. Not feeling sorry for myself, I promise. Tell me how to love and allow myself to be loved….
As you’ve prob realised by now, I analyse everything in life…& really….what is the point to mine???????
Answer 350 views

01 Jan 0001

Maybe a while in hospital, as your doctor advises, could be a good idea --- a peaceful place, but with people around so you're not alone. And he's right to, that if one is taking any significant amount of sedatives like most of the anti-anxiety drugs, especially if one has taken them for some time, suddenly stopping the meds without a doctors advice on how to gradually reduce them, can make you feel very unwell indeed.
Friendships may be more important to you, until you sort out all your emotional baggage, than lovers. The issue of trying to force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone shouldn't arise. What's wrong with having him as a really good friend ?
Some of us dotn't, for a whole range of reasons, have children of our own. But you can be very satisfied ( once well ) in becoming involved in child-care and similar charitable work, giving that love to children in desperate need of it.
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