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28 Jun 2010

Re: Torn apart post 1062

I posted 10 days ago about my dilemma and thanks to CS and all those who replied to my post. Six days after that while having sex with my hiv +ve husband the condom slipped. The worst nightmare I’ ve had in my life. That night I think I went into a panic attack I cried ends on without being able to stop. Thinking to myself why do I put myself thru such pain. By being with this man, he has brought me so much pain in my life and I have made decisions that today r working against me. Right now I’ m on AZT (hiv medication to prevent the virus to get into my system) and boy this medication makes me feel so weak I feel like a zombie right now. With no one to turn to as I have promised not to tell anyone that he has hiv. I feel like I’ m in a dark a very dark room, right now I feel so emotional and I can’ t even call my sister/my mom and tell them. How do I get out of this marriage? This weekend as I was taking this huge pill that makes me feel nauseous and weak. He was so cold to me saying I failed to discuss the details of when I want to take the medication with him. That I don’ t consider him and he feels I’ m shutting him out. Now you decided you want to take the meds at 10pm and that means we don’ t spend time together, accusing me that I only think of myself. Meanwhile he omits to even apologize to me for putting me thru this awful awful time. Why is my husband like that? For heaven’ s sake I don’ t even know where he got this virus from. Why do I have to put my kids thru this? More than 5 years I’ ve been out of a job and I’ m afraid to tell him that I want a divorce, when someone has financial power over you it’ s really difficult cause no matter what accommodation and food are not for free. I’ m afraid I’ ll lose my kids because I don’ t have an income. Pretty scary for me. And I leave across oceans from my family, here it’ s only us. He’ s a good provider and I think that’ s one of the reasons I’ m still here… I’ m afraid… .very afraid. I often imagine my life as a single working mother and I like it. I’ m with the kids and I can’ t do anything with them because I literally feel sick cause of the meds. Pls can u guys pray for me, pray for God to give me strength to get through the next 26 days while taking medication. To guide me and show me the way help me to make a sound decision and leave my husband with no hard feelings, no resentment.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Financial power can be an awful factor in such situations, maybe espeially for women. Sorry to hear of this new anxiety. Fortunately, as I recall it, there are many recorded cases of HIV neg women married to HIV positive men who led an active sex life for years without protection, without becoming positive. Not using protection is absolutely NOT recommended, but at least its some reassurance to know that transmission from male to female seems ( if I'm remembering it correctly ) less easy than transmision from female to male.

Good responses from Lin and M.
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