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21 Dec 2004

Reality and Truth
this life - hurts
"i want to be with you"............
my answer " but you never have time for me"
"well lets work on that."
me " this is a waste"
"you're playing hard to get"
me: no - I just dont want to get hurt again - I cant survive that again" nearly crying " but I still love you"
" I know you do" ( too much confidence)
me: this is too hard for me - I cannot do this!
"Just give it time"

then things go great for two weeks.......

but alas

The heart wrenching dissapointment hits when he lets me and my family down..... does not pitch or even call - special occassion nearly ruined - family made the day for me.... or tried at least
I am left in tears, I want to die and rip my heart out of my chest - I
am mad as hell that I have let you back into my life, into my heart - how could I let myself belive that you were genuine and true - well you were for the little time that you kept your promises and showed up on time, now I dont know what to believe - did all this truly happen.
I cannot begin to explain what is going on inside - all I can say is why????? why
I feel tormented - I have not allowed you power over me - I just let you in AGAIN - I hate myself for that - why am I such a fool - it was after all only a matter of time.
I feel numb and i cant even cry I wish you well - but pls tell me why you seem to enjoy hurting me the way you do. Do you care that little?
I am tired
Answer 380 views

01 Jan 0001

Hello juz,
Please don't be so very hard on yourself. So he behaved like a crumb --- that's no reason for any self-directed aggression on your part. You decided, with some trepidation, to give him a second chance, and he blew it. HE blew it, not you. he good times showed that he is capable of doing this, but maybe not for long enough at a stretch, to deserve your continuing attention to him. Maybe it's not that he enjoys hurting you, but that he's thoughtless and dim about emotional issues, and doesn't realize that such actions of his will be so hurtful.
And now I must try to rid myself of the image of Dude in a latex suit !
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