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07 Dec 2005

Really Enough. But thanks.
I have considered all your postings of yesterday and came to these conclusions:
The only good reason you give me to stay alive is my family and friends. Well, I do not consider my husband a very good friend. He irritates me most of the time because he is such a immature man. He always has some sort of pain or suffering. And I don't care to deal with it anymore. As with the baby (she is 22 months), I really am not a motherly type. I gave birth to her. That was my worldly debt. I had to give her to the world before I can go. Now I am free to leave. I love her yes. Very much. But once she starts wining or crying, I can easily kill her. This life is slowly choking the life out of me. So why in hell can I not end it now? Yes it will be devastating, but she is still young enough not to ever have known better.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Actually, you may be misreading us. The awful impact on family and friends is always relevant, but far from the only reason for rejecting suicide and working harder with proper expert help to recover from this Depression and find your own personal happiness again --- once the Depression is over, there is surely a lot more in life you will enjoy, and do, for the benefit of yourself and others. Part of this could indeed be a Post-Natal Depression.
Everything you describe about how things are for you nowadays, sounds typical of a severe, treatable depressiopn which can be greatly improved. Your child is not too young to escape the negative impact of a parent's suicide.
And Bb identifies one other critical flaw in your reasoning --- you are insisting on seeking a permanent and irreversible response to a temporary and reversible illness.
And consider the following aspect, too. GO and see the best psychiatrist you can find and tell him/her exactly how you have been feeling and what you have been considering. Take his/her advice and work hard with such help for a further 9 months, to get this right. If this works, you will have a tranformed and happier and more satisfying life. If it fails ( and I dont think it will ) you will be no worse off and free to take a different approach, at least knowing that you have properly tried to get things right, and that you will have given yourself and your child the best chance.
There is nothing that is wrong with life as you find it today, that can't be changed for the better.
In your later descripion of the situation it is clear that you had a really bad deal in life -- so far --- and were neglected and hurt by people who should instead have cherished and protected you. You have been able to learn, by experience, so much about what should not be done, you have the capacity to be a great mother. And to protect your child, as nobody else could do so well, against so many of the risks and hurts in life, which you experienced earlier. And you, too, can become someone stronger, happier and more able to handle life than you have been so far --- you too have the opportunity to learn and grow, and become wiser and more competent.
It is not a question of "sticking around to witness her pain", but of being around to prevent much of her pain.
And even if you have previously had other hospital admissions and treatments which didn't work as well as one would want, this does not mean that next time won't be the time it comes together and works properly.

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