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04 Feb 2004

Sex causing strain in the relationship
Hi all,

The problem is that my fiance and I had an active sex life, but the last few months she has totaly gone off it. Sure she has stress in her life, but i've got even more than she has, but i try to support and help here where i'm able. When she asked me if i'm happy about the amount of times we make love, i told her the truth that i'm not happy and once every 2 weeks (maybe) is not enough. She got very upset and then ask me what do i think she should do if she's not in the mood. I really don't want her to fake being in the mood just to please me. The worst part is she told me that she and her previous boyfriend were at it almost every night, so does that mean i'm only there because she needs the financial support and she could not find anyone better? I'm holding out at the moment and hope that it will get better again, but i don't know for how long. This is seriously putting a strain on our relationship and i don't know how to resolve it.

It's not just her libido that changed, she doesn't want to hug and kiss as often and sometimes plainly ignores me.

I'm starting to think that she doesn't love me anymore but who knows.

I would appreciate any advice, i know a relationship isn't about making love, but a healthy relationship can't exist without it.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Baids,
As you say, a healthy relationship is about more than sex, but you say she's lost signs of affection, too, and that gets closer to the center of a relationship.
You describe all this as a Change, different from how it used to be. Where someone's behaviour changes, it's reasonable to look for other things that have changed at around the same time, which might explain this. various things can affect libido and afection --- Depression is a powerful cause of such an effect ; stress can do so, as can a range of physical problems. Would she be receptive to the idea of seeing a shrink for an assessment, to clarify whether Depression or sress effects are relevant here ( as they can be easily treated ). If this relates to more general relationship issues, relationship counselling could be helpful to you both. Presumably you want to indicate to her that you're not being selfish here, but that these changes suggest that neither of you are being as happy and contented as you could be, and that you consider your relationship with her important enough to want to make the efort to identify the reasons for these changes, and to seek to put them right.
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