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29 Nov 2004

Shocking news
CS,

My whole world has just done a complete 180 degree shift. Everything that I was told was a complete lie.

My mom and her family always told me that my dad was the cause of my mom getting a divorce. They always made my dad to be this horrible man. In fact this is so far from the truth.

On Friday I met with my dad to discuss what happened in the past. For me to let him know how I feel. The news that I heard was just too shocking to believe. When I told my dad that I used to feel like a failure because of what my mom said about me being conceived to save their marriage, he was upset.

He said that I was conceived out of love from his side and at the time he thought from my mom's side as well. When I was 3 years old my dad came home and found my mom at our neighbour's place. He caught my mom being unfaithful to him. He litterally went mad at the sight of them, he ended up in a physical fight with the guy, thereafter he just left.

He ended up having a nervous breakdown, his family found him a week later in a hospital. By this time my mom had cleared out the house and move in with my grandparents. My dad tried to get my mom to come back to him but she didn't want too.

My mom applied for the divorce, even at the lawyers my dad tried to stop her. He asked her to think about me and what would this do to me. She told him that I will just grow up and she needs to about her life and no one else's.

My mom's family then decided to save my mom from being disrespected that they will blame my dad for everything. My dad just accepted the blame.

After my dad told me all this I was still had doubt as to whether he was telling the truth. Last night I confronted my granny about this and she admitted that it was the truth.

I am not upset that my mom was unfaithful. I am upset that they allowed to believe that my dad was a horrible person. My mom took away my bond that I could have had with my dad. I am upset that for 24 years of my life, I thought that I was the one at fault, that I was the one to blame.

Right now this is so much to deal with all I want to do is go away to a place where I can be alone for awhile. Just to sort out my head and then decide where to carry on from here.

Please any advice will be appreciated.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Suri,
Sorry in many ways to hear about this news which must have been shocking for you. A reminder of how as children we need to be able to believe in what our family's tell us, and how bad it is for them to lie, especially about something so important to you. A reminder of how often the innocent are published so as to protect the guilty. A reminder of how important it is not to take everything on faith, and to check out --- imagine if you had had this sort of serious conversation with your father even earlier in life ?
It was terrible that they stole your father away from you, and maybe even worse, that they allowed you to blame yourself for something in which both you and he were blameless.
Q makes an excellent point about your fresh opportunities now, and especially as regards a new relationship with your dad, this is true and a bonus. I tend to agree with you about your mom--- at least in more recent years she could have been strong enough and secure enough to at least have told you some of the truth. And your vital point about the essential need to learn from one's mistakes, about her never having taken responsibility for her own choices, and her truly bad practice of blaming you for her mistakes. You have the right attitude, about loving her nonetheless, but perhaps expecting her to start acepting some responsibility ( that's a hope ) and about never again agccepting a load of responsibility and guilt from her.
As Shaun says, your maturity and responsibility in the way you are facing this situation are admirable.
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