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18 Feb 2004

Some days
I just wanted to share my feelings and thoughts I couldn't speak to my friends because they shun me for the way I feel, also they think that I am a damn rock and that I can go through hell and be OK! But I'm not, there are days when I feel alright and I dont think about him at all, and then there's days like yesterday where all I could do was be grateful that I was so busy at work that I did not find the time to cry, and last night where I felt ill (literally), my stomach was in such a knot and this tightness spread through my chest, I was physically aching, when I found myslef waking up clutching the damn pillow with tears clouding my eyes I decided that I cant take it anymore I should phone him and tell him to come home now because I miss him so much it hurts. The house seems dead, i feel so cold and alone inside. I am trying so hard but nothing is making this go away. I dreamt about our dead baby ( my most painfull loss, a part of me died that I can never get back) I want to erase the last few months from my mind, maybe then my heart would not hurt as much. I tried calling him this morning but out of fear of rejection I dropped the phone. after a few minutes I sent him a pls call me, but never received a reply, it made me angry, I feel that I hate him just as much as I love him. I dont want to go for councilling I just needed to vent my frustration, I feel tangled inside and I wonder when this is going to end. I dont want to talk to my family because they think that I should just forgive & forget & give him his space "he'll come running home" yeah right!!! I know he is not good for me, so why am I hurting so much, I've been doing so well by concentrating on the positive things in my life but they just dont make the sadness and emptyness go away.
I feel too alone.

Answer 430 views

01 Jan 0001

Dear Juzlisen,
It seems a pity that bitter and twisted folks like "U whine too much" dont take their own advice, isn't it ? Howver, he/she provides a reminder of what's wrong with the world, even if, sadly, he/she knows nothing whatsoever about what's right with it. Nobody with any true respect for themselves, could sow so little respect for others.
You're hurting because those feelings are never logical, because you're mourning the loss of what you hoped for and dreamed of, not actually the loss of what you actually lost ( which was much less !). he ISN'T good for you, but youre mourning the loss of what you wanted him to be, not of what he was.
You know from experience that he will not / cannot give you what you need, either within a long-term relationship, or in an emotional crisis. As or expressing the strong felings you have, positive and negative, why not follow the age-old and useful plan of writing him a long and nasty letter, putting all of it on paper --- then buring the letter, without sending it ? The resultant smoke signals can be liberating.

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