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30 Jan 2004

Dear Doc, my brother passed away 4 years ago he left me, my sister and my mother behind (my father passed away when I was only 10 yrs) he was the father figure in the home, but since then I got married have a beautifull child and my sister is also married, but I am very concerned about my mother as it seems that she is not over his death she cannot except the fact that he is gone, on the day he died she was a way for the weekend and she still believes that maybe if she was at home she could have prevented his death, sometimes I also miss him, were considering going to some one that can connect with the dead just so that maybe we al can find some peace with the fact that he is gone. I need to know if it is a good thing to do that or shall she just go and see a shrink..... by the way he was 27 and died in a car accident. Sometimes the memories of him is so hurtfull there is little things that reminds me of him and then it becomes unberable....PLEASE HELP
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01 Jan 0001

Dear concerned,
yes, grief can be terribly painful. And the guilt we may fel afterwards is rarely rational --- of course your mother wouldn't have been able to prevent his car accident, but she feels she ought to have had those magical powers, and plames herself for not having achieved the impossible. I do NOT recommend going to see people who claim they can contact the dead --- in my experience that are all exploitative shams, though they can be highly skilled at ensuring that they and their associates find ways to discover from you all loads of details about the deceased, which they can use to put on a very convincing performance, suggsting that they are indeed contacting the dead. If the dead were indeed able to contact the living, I am certain that they would do so directly, and not through some of the shady folks who claim to be some form of spiritual telephone exchange.
Amy death can take ar more time for us to heal that we usually expect, espeicall so when the person is young, and the death is sudden and unexpected. What would most benefit your mother is to see a good psychologist for grief counselling, to deal with the issues that are still troubling to her, and to leard to get done the unavoidable grief work, and reach the stage at which she can remember all that was good about your brother with pride and joy, rather than being focussed primarily on the sadness of having lost him.
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