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31 Jul 2007

Strong need to kill
Dear Doctor,
I grew up as a lonely child in spite of having siblings. My father wouldn't let me go out, so I locked myself in my room almost all the time. Years went by and I'm still a lonely person. However, I was lucky to find someone special on he internet when i was 19 (3 years ago). I was so insecure that I almost spoilt the relationship. But in spite of that, it lasted until a few weeks ago. We were going to marry, but I was frustrated because I didn't have enough money to go to his country and live with him. And I didn't want to ask him for help. So I said goodbye and never got an answer. Now I regret it but I know he's better off without me. We never met and I'm still a virgin and lonelier than ever. I feel I'll never have kids and it kills me. I used to be a good and sensitive girl. But I blame my father for never giving me the chance to be friends with neighbours and go out sometimes. Not long ago, I also found out he raped my younger sister.
Now for many reasons I've become violent. Sometimes I feel like killing my father or even cut my own body so much that he would feel bad when he found me dead. I am also cold with friends. However, moving parts of films make me cry like never before. I never even explain what's going on, because I don't want to cry in front of others.
Is this normal? Am I insane? What should I do? If I told my ex that I can't live without him, would that show I'm selfish?
Please help! I don't really know what to do.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Whatever sad things happened during your childhood, surely the first priority now should be to look after yourself and get things right within you. Harming your father will only compound your problems and not improve anything. Cutting seems to bring temporary partial relief to some people, but it, too, is no solution to anything.
Call Lifeline as a first step. And arrange to see a good local shrink for a proper assessment, so you know what you are dealing with. To the extent that you are depressed, medication could help, and proper therapy / counselling, especially of the CBT form, could help greatly to enable you to gain control of the sad and angry feelings, to improve your self-confidence, and to learn to meet and enjoy the company of other people and form relationships directly and which can last
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