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11 Apr 2006

Struggling with addiction & bipolar in relationship
I'm not sure I'm speaking to the right person but here it goes. Both me and my partner have been struggling with cocaine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar a number of years ago and is currently on anti-deppresants (Nu-Zak).
I am coming to you, she would never, because I don't know what to do anymore. Although we both have a cocaine addiction, each in our own way, she can't seem to see anything else as fun. It is her 'reward', her escape and joy. I have so much else in life that I enjoy more. I love cycling and the outdoors but although we talk about getting both of us into this lifestyle just a single bad day at work throws her to wanting to find cocaine. We usually go for a drink and thats enough for us both to fall again.

The coke is one thing but I find more difficulty now in another situation. She has basically run out of money until her next pay day and has stopped the Nu-Zak for about a week now. Yesterday I was a little down and she asked for us to go out. We did and nothing went bad but her mood was unnaturally good, great, happy and chatty. Anyway today some one close to her at work resigned, her work schedule is manic and her parents didn't get there lease renewed. On top of this she is in pain as she has been diagnosed with a spastic colon and stomach ulcer about a week ago. Anyway, she was shattered. Phoned me from work hardly able to speak through the tears. I just didn't know how to respond. I tried to be as supportive as possible but couldn't do much else.
I work for myself and am currently swamped with work and needed to work this evening. I could hear that she was not happy with this as she felt she needed me. We eventually met up for a drink. It ended up in an argument as she said she had to force me to come out. My excuse was I knew her mood and didn't want to tempt cocaine. I just felt at a complete loss. She couldn't stop crying over everything. Saying nothing in her life is good. She didn't want to her any reasoning to what is going on in her life. But the thing is that I felt her pain but felt cut off, unable to reach out and comfort. The evening ended by her saying I don't have time for her and have more important things to care about other than her and all I feel is that I have been pouring into her for as long as I can remember. I didn't take well to her accusing me of not being there and ended the argument as she stormed away.

All this isn't a once off though which is why I am here. We broke up a year ago due to similar reasons. Her getting together with someone else was how I found out it was over. Anyway we patched things up and had a wonderful 6-8 months but it is all back again. I love her but I seem to be unable to handle her pesimistic outlook on everthing and when she is happy it is so over the top I feel awkard. Since tonight she has decided we shoud take some time out as she feels I don't love her as she needs. I don't feel she cares for what I want from life though either. I guess I have just got to the point of not knowing what to do. I just want a healthy life stlye again, a healthy relationship too. But my heart says I love her. After four years maybe my brain just see's no other possible relationship for me.
Answer 415 views

01 Jan 0001

Hello Malekai,
Cocaine addictio is mainly psychological and ought not to be difficult to get free from, so long as you both see and work with an appropriately expert shrink, and change your lifestyle and friends / social activities, so as to avoid associations with the drug. It is a drug that does nobody any good, ever --- but it is especially unwise to take if one has a bipolar disorder, or to combine with medication of most kinds, including antidepressants.
You are right to recognize also her far greater risk for having been follish enough to center her entire life on coke and to allow herself to recognize no other pleasures ; and your comparatively stronger position for having the good sense to maintain other activities and pleasures.
You need to persuade her to face the fact that most of the problems in her life are due to her drug addiction and her failure to develop other pleasures and healthy activities ; the drug interfering with her ability to cope with whatever problems are occurring. She shouldn't expect you to do so much caring for her, when she isn't bothering to properly care for herself. She is being unreasonably demanding in what she expects from you, and seems to expect nothing from herself.
You will be unable to help her until she accepts that she needs professional help and to collaborate fully with such help. I agree with Carli --- she is subjecting you to emotional blackmail ; and you should not risk your own progress and work towards good health, to get into situations where she can drag you down wih her. She has to accept her own responnsibility for her own bad choices, and to recignize the potential for getting things right if she'll work with the right help
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