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17 Feb 2004

Sucker or softie?
Good Day Doc
How are you today?
I have been taking allot of me time lately and I keep thinking about the people in my life that have hurt me including my ex and to be totally honest I ahve never been the kind of person to just "cut" people from my life, I dont believe that one should hate another person because they have done something to hurt or offend you, things happen, sh!it happens, it is a fact that some people cannot be trusted and that others will just continue to hurt you, so why am I the idiot who thinks that you should always mend your relationships and make them the best the situation allows? Am I stupid? Like my ex he - I do not see him as a rotten person I think he needs to grow up - dont get me wrong he has allot of very good qualities about him but he is not the marriage material I want. Why do I still even bother about him - why do I even give a damn why do I care so much? That leads me to my question am I just a sucker?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Juzlisen,
No, not a sucker. But it sounds as if you sometimes try to take even more responsibility for some of these other people's lives, than they do, themselves ! You don't need to cut them off, as you say --- you are a naturally loving and caring person with excellent skills in helping others. But maybe there are some limits one should set.
Learn from past experiences, both so as not to allow someone who has hurt you once, to be able to do it again ; and if possible learn from those situations, how to avoid enabling someone else to hurt you in the same way again. If the hurters are not interested in changing, you'd be wasting your time in helping them. If they are, by all means offer some degree of continuing help and support, so long as it doesn't enable them to get into a position of being able to hurt you again, and so long as your help isn't greater than their own work on their own problems.
And maybe use some more of your genuine skills at being supportive and helpful, to help more deserving and innocent people in need, maybe giving some limited time to a charity or similar organization, to capitalize on your skills and your need to be helpful, without putting yourself in such a vulnerable position.
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