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30 Jul 2008

Suicidal
I' ve been through a rough patch recently with a hell-of-a lot of stress. I' ve been thinking about suicide and writing letters to all my loved ones. The only thing is my 2 year old son. But now that I' ve sorted that out, I think I' m ready. I' ve spoken to my husband and asked him what he would do if something happened to me. He said that he' ll buy a house and get his mother to come and stay with him so she' ll be able to look after my son.
I' ve told my husband that I' m suicidal, but he' s not concerned. He' s not worried at all and his response to me was that he' s felt like that sometimes too and that everybody thinks about it sometimes - I know that, but I' m not suppose to be " everybody"  to him.
We son' t have problems in our marriage and I' m lucky enough in the way that he buys me whatever I want. He does whatever I ask.
It' s just that I feel like my life is done. I' m done.
I can' t go to a psychologist because our medical aid doesn' t pay for it unless I get admitted to a hospital. My husband and I joked that I' ll swallow a packet of sleeping pils and then tell him. Then he' ll take me to hospital and I' ll be able to see a shrink. But I don' t think I will tell him.
I haven' t had a good night' s sleep since I was 17. I sleep for about 4 hours a night, And even when I sleep it' s as if I don' t really sleep. I' m a very light sleeper. I also suffer from severe back pain and the most awful migraines.
I really don' t even know why I wrote this. But thank you for listening.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Do NOT go ahead with such plans, for many good reasons you are currently overlooking. Including the fact that it will have serious consequences for your son, and that your current mioserable condition CAN be remedied, if you will only work hard and sincerely with a good local psychiatrist. Its sad that your husband is apparently not taking seriously your statements concerning suicide. Maybe he is thinking of them as like his own brief and much less serious thopughts on the subject, rather than resognizing how sinister they really are.
If your medical aid has such a stupid rule ( and some do ) then they are making false economies and needlessly and recklessly risking lives. But if you do see a psychiatrist, or even a good GP, I'm sure that he would recommend a period in hospital for full assessment by a psychiatrist and to start effective treatment for the Major Depression you seem to be experiencing. The Depression is a brilliant amplifier of any pain from any source, and always screws up our sleep.
I'm pleased you wrote to us, and the fact that you did so suggests that there is a strong inner wisdom within you that recognizes that the part of you that is ready to give up is not the one that you or anyone else ought to listen to.
So arange urgently to see your GP, and call Lifeline to speak to someone there in the meantime. And whatever methods you have serously considered for harming yourself, disarm them --- throw away any excess pills and remove any other harmful weapons or methods so that they will not be accessible if you feel impulsive at any time.
Don't so terribly hurt the people you love and who love you. And care for yourswelf--- you really deserve that.
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